An "S" on my Chest

I cannot believe it has been almost a month since my last post; so much has been going on that it's been hard to find the time to sit and reflect. But I guess that can be viewed as a good thing, right? (That's your queue to agree with me).

Okay, so in my last post I announced that I started a new job, but little did I know that I was now entering into an entirely new phase of my life! Going from dealing with whiny billionaires and their account problems to becoming an advocate for childrens health and well being has been a total 180 degree experience. I'm now going to be making decisions that will forever impact the lives of kids; up to and including the possibility of removing them from their homes and placing them into a system that could potentially harm them even further. So many things have surfaced since I've been in training, even demons from my own childhood that I thought I dealt with have found their way to the surface, causing me to question whether or not I will be able to handle what I will most certainly encounter out in the field. Am I really ready for this? Will I be able to make sound judgments for the sake of these innocent lives, without being biased or jaded? Why God has deemed me worthy is beyond me, but I'm in it now, and there is no way I'm turning back. *deep breath*

I think the moral of this post is accountability and learning how to recognize and understand the things that I can control and removing my hands from the things that I can't, and not allowing myself to feel guilty for the latter of the two. This new job requires me to create plans for children and their families to hopefully put them on the right track to becoming a unit again, but really, it's going to be up to them to follow that plan. Everyone wants to be a superhero, flying in and swooping down to the rescue. But the truth of the matter is there are limits to what we can do; not to mention whether or not those that we are attempting to help really want us to in the first place. So those of us with these enormously huge hearts often times find ourselves bound and tethered to our own good intentions. But what if we took all of the time and energy wasted on life suckers, or dead end jobs, or emotional vampires, or on frivolous BS that makes absolutely no sense, and poured it into our health, our marriages or relationships, or our children; wouldn't we be able to live the lives that we should be living? But rather than use that super power that we ALL posses that could profoundly impact the things in our lives that we can control, we're steady killing ourselves trying to walk through fire walls, read minds and hold the wind in our hands. Really?

Isn't it amazing how just when we think we have it all figured out, another twist or turn comes along that throws you into tilt mode? I had my mind and heart set on cruise control, with map in hand and blinders in place. But what I didn't take into account was that while on this journey I was going to be faced with many MANY different routes that could potentially lead me to an even greater destination. I love kids, and now here it is that I have the chance to do the utmost for them. Its like now, I'm seeing the framework to my home being laid out and taking shape. That "framework" is my purpose. T-278

The Doors...

Its been quite an eventful week. After a short but asinine selection process, LA County has deemed me worthy of filling the position of Social Worker. Needless to say it came as a surprise, even more so to my current job as they had no clue that I was even looking elsewhere for employment. It always amazes me how "the powers that be" tend to think that the chess game they play with people's lives is unbeatable, and that we pawns on the chess board will remain still until they make a move. But one thing that I've always prided myself on is my ability to read the entire board and to anticipate my opponents next move. My strategy doesn't always bode in my favor, I've won many and I've lost even more, but at the end of the day, I walk away knowing that I took a risk; and because of that I can sleep well at night.

In addition to the new job, there was also a potential new/old love interest that has appeared on the horizon. Things started out blissful and fresh as they always do, the whirlwind consumed us both and I had found reason to smile beyond my usual cheesiness. So have you picked up on the use of past tenses yet? If not, then perhaps the next few phrases will prepare you for the inevitable "But" that is most assuredly coming. Things are good, all the right things are being said and done.....all except one. It has come to my attention that "making time" is a foreign concept to the man of the hour, and that other things in his life (a life that is still a bit of a mystery to me) are of more importance than face to face time. And I, being the "no nonsense, zero tolerance for bullshit" woman that I am simply have no desire to plead my case, nor do I have the patience to explain to a grown ass man the importance of making time for the one you claim to be genuinely interested in. I do believe they cover that topic in high school, or at least should...hell my 18 year old even knows this. So, is this a fixable dilemma...yes it is. All I need to do is revisit what I learned in therapy about "communicating the undesirable", and express to him in a non judgmental way exactly what it is I require of him (leaves a bile taste in my mouth just thinking about it). So perhaps I will show some growth and speak up...I'll keep you posted.

In light of all that has been happening here on the Cali side of things, I keep hearing the phrase "doors are opening up" from a few of my friends; one who ventured further to say that the "right" door has now been open and that I should stop looking for anything better. That really stood out to me, and the first thought that came to me after she said it is "why would I stop?" Why on earth would I ever stop searching for anything better, a better job, better health (physical and mental), better education....a better home....a better life? To me, the day you stop searching for better, is the day you stop living and just continue on existing. Life after all, is a process; you're born, you're taught how to survive, you put what you learned to use while learning new things, you make mistakes, you pass on what you learned to new learners and then you die. I know I will leave this earth feeling like there was something that I could have done "better", and that's okay. But what isn't okay is for me to take what's behind these "doors" as my queue to stop searching for more. They are doors that lead to more puzzle pieces; pieces that God Himself has designed just for me. So the search does indeed continue, and as I've said from the beginning, I will remain open to EVERY possibility that presents itself. Its getting very interesting though...T-299

Blind Side...

Things have continued to be full steam ahead with me finding my home; I've been looking at housing costs and the job markets of the three places that I've narrowed my search down to, and have been in the process of setting up a trip to Atlanta before year end. All has been great and I have been impressed with my progress. And then, as I talked about in my previous post, I get the call about working for LA County, which forced me to look at the prospect of possibly staying here in California. In all honesty, that thought never really entered my mind, I mean, considering I've been miserable here for the past 3 years why would I even entertain the thought. But being the carrot chaser that I am, I decided to follow this job lead down the rabbit hole for now, and see what the next turn will be. So that was my only hiccup last week, I took all of those mind numbing psych exams for this new job, and am now awaiting the outcome, and I continued on with my search being no worse for ware..... or so I thought.

A couple days ago I reached out to someone I was seeing in an effort to clear the air of a bad ending. But a conversation that I started with a simple "I'm sorry have a good life" , ended with him saying words that no man has never said to me before; "Don't Go." I sat there on the phone, verbally paralyzed and completely out of my element of control. What did he mean "Don't go"? Was he for real, or was he trying to hurt me? Nevermind that I called him to apologize, after telling him I never wanted to hear his voice again. For an instant, nothing that I had said before made sense. What do I do now? Why was I leaving? Where was I going? He had me twisted, and it wasn't over flowery words or empty promises no, he had me twisted because he's the only man who's ever gone out on a limb by asking me to stay. He told me he wants the chance to really know me and to one day be the man I love. Really California, Really???? UGH!!

Here I am trying to get the Hell up out of here, and fate is throwing curve balls left and right! The two main things that I long for in finding a home; a career with purpose and a love of a lifetime, are now ripe for the taking.....but in THIS freakin' state! See what happens when you seek out change, you find it oftentimes in the most inopportune ways. But being the control maven that I am, I reminded both he and myself that this quest that I'm on is not a phase or an impulse, it is my genuine hearts desire to finally be at peace and to finally put my internal gypsy to rest. And no matter who, what, or where I end up, it will be where I'm meant to be. My mind is all over the place, dazed and confused over all that has happened, but when I set out to do this I promised myself that I would remain open to whatever presents itself. So I guess this is fate's way of calling my bluff. Damn, I seemed to have misplaced my blinders...T-306.

Heavy Weight

To say that this week has been a whirlwind experience would be an understatement. Lots of new developments, all of which have made a profound impact on my already complex existence. So lets get to them!

On Tuesday morning while sitting at my desk sifting through evidence on a fraud case, I received a phone call. Sylvia, from LA County, was calling to offer me a position as a Children's Social Worker (a job that I applied for almost a year and a half ago and had completely forgotten about). As she spoke, I felt bewildered like you do when a phone call wakes you out of a deep sleep. None of the dots were connecting right away because I simply could not remember what it was I had applied for, or why. So being the carrot chaser that I am, I told her "Why yes, I'm still interested. What do I need to do?" And by the end of the conversation, I had an appointment for a fingerprint live scan, along with the daunting task of figuring out the winner between two jobs.

After I hung up, I chuckled to myself as I recalled a recent conversation that I had with God about not feeling like I'm contributing anything to this world. While I enjoy doing fraud (well, not "doing it" but investigating it), lately I've been feeling like I'm not doing anything of real substance. I solve cases and return money back to victims whose accounts had been compromised, but at the end of the day, there's no real reward in that. Its not like I can look these clients in the face and assure them that all is well, shoot most of the time they are ready to cuss me out and blame me for the fraud occurring in the first place. Even though I know my job is important, I don't feel like I'm doing anything that directly impacts a person's life. I'm just another corporate worker doing my eight hours, with no benefits whatsoever, and then going home feeling like I could have done more. So back when I applied for that county position, I thought it would be a good time to explore other careers that would allow me the opportunity to make a difference, in the lives of those who desperately need it the most; children.

I went online and pulled up the LA County jobs website and re-familiarized myself with what I had applied for, then it all came back to me. I recalled it was January of last year, and I was out of work and had applications floating everywhere in the state. I received the notice to test for the Social Worker position, went and stood in line for over an hour just to get in to take the test, and then heard nothing for about a month. Then I got the call to come in for an interview, and then another interview, and then I was placed on this "eligible list", which is a nice way of saying we don't have any openings right now. And so I went on with life. I started working as a temp at the job that I'm currently at, doing fraud investigations which is what I've done for the past 8 years. The temp position turned into what they call "contractor", which means nothing more than being a temp, but with total access to the banks inner workings. Its damn good money, but with no benefits, no vacation and no sick time. Of course, they dangle the "possible permanent position" carrot in front of me to keep me here, but I've been chasing it for almost a year now, and I'm over it. On the flip side, the Social Worker position is full time permanent, with amazing benefits and a retirement package that most would envy, but the starting pay is a considerable drop from what I'm making now. But, I would be doing something that would most definitely be rewarding for both myself and for others in need.

So, I'm in a bit of a pickle; money versus morality, temp versus permanent, the familiar versus something new...ugh I could go on and on. Of course, the question of "if you're planning to move away next year then why should it matter" has been slapping me upside the head as well. But when I decided to take on this quest to find a home, I promised myself that I would remain open to ALL that is presented before me and to not leave a single opportunity unexplored. Boy, talk about practicing what I preach! So my anthem this week has been "you could get with this, or you could get with that", and trying my best to find where "this" is at. The plot thickens... T-313

Cause and Effect...

I have had the privilege of connecting with so many of my family members this week; family by blood and by previous marriage. All of them are amazing and for some reason they all love the hell out of me; so for that I am truly grateful. I've been extremely honored to have maintained a relationship with my step children, and even though the marriage between their father and I ended, my love and concern for them has never wavered.

Watching them grow up from afar has been bittersweet; while I'm proud of how far they've come considering their circumstances, I still cannot help but to feel regret for not being there. As adults, we become so consumed with our own madness, that we don't take into account the effects that it has on our children. What we decide in our lives instantly becomes their reality, and more often than not that reality profoundly impacts their lives in a negative way. I will have to live with the pain of my choices forever, and unfortunately, so will my children. All I can do is ask that they one day forgive, and that they strive to be better parents than their own.

Everyone has their own story about family; some are picture perfect and others are so awful that Steven King would be terrified to write about it. But yet we're here, living and breathing and hopefully more evolved versions of our namesakes. I'm learning with every conversation that I have with my own family, that having them is an essential element for a healthy life. Without family, what do I have to identify with? How would I ever know where my personality comes from, why I'm able to sense when something good or bad is coming, or why people get on my effin nerves. Who else would be able to understand my craziness and not condemn me for it. I get it now, it took moving 3,000 miles away for it to slap me upside the head, but I get it. I need my family, and they need me.

My mother was the greatest woman I have ever known; she always had a way of saying things in the simplest terms, but yet they stuck with you forever. One day while I was crying and sitting at her feet, she took my hands and said; "Our family is like roaches....the world around us can fall apart but we'll still be here." That was her way of telling me that no matter how bad things in my life get, my family will be there to help pick up the pieces. And she was right.

So today, and every day, I celebrate my family. We're an odd bunch, and a mixed bag of crazy, but our bond is cemented in the heavens. T-320

Four letters

Love is the one topic that I have the most difficulty talking about; even in therapy I found it hard to deal with. I believe it’s because the mistakes that I’ve made all have faces. One of the drawbacks of having an impeccable memory, is that I could recall with unparalleled precision, the defining moments in every one of my relationships; conversations, subtle glances and even the very moment when like turned into love. Of course, I can also recall the anguish of things falling apart. I’m sure that everyone could do the same thing if the desire to do so was there, but with me it was an everyday thing. I found myself reliving these moments as if I was punishing myself for it not working out. Needless to say, my therapist and I spent quite a few sessions trying to pin point the source of this self inflicted torture, and the end result was quite surprising.

You know, I started this post three days ago and I've written at least 6 different edits and ended up deleting every one of them. I tried to write some poetic eloquent truth, steeped with metaphors and epiphanies. Truth is, love absolutely terrifies me, I suck at it and I have no clue what the hell I'm doing. All I know is that it would be great to have some real version of it and not the fucked up make believe crap that I've participated in and settled for over the years. I love really hard and I dig really deep and give of myself freely and completely; and that type of love is just a magnet for heartbreak. It infuriates me to hear "he's out there", like there's some dude wandering through loves parking lot holding a remote in the air and pushing the panic button. That's not reality to me. What is reality, is that I believe I've made my piece with love, and have accepted the distinct possibility that I may go the rest of my life without it.

No small violins, please. I've been by myself for a while now, and I had to learn how to go out to places and do things solo without feeling like a total loser. I avoid dinner parties at all cost, I sleep in the middle of my bed and use the entire length of my closet. I try my best to leave no empty spaces, anywhere. Does it suck, well yeah it does, but living everyday dreading to be alone is far worse. So I do what I do to stay sane. And even though I'm literally the last name left unchecked on the "taken" list amongst my friends, I'm ok, really, I'm effin ok!!!

The movie Eat Pray Love validated alot of things for me, the most important being that there's nothing wrong with doing whatever it takes in order to find out who you really are. Eating Praying and Loving are the ingredients that have kept me on this earth these many years, and even though I foolishly tried to deprive myself of each of them at some point, I simply can't live without them. Dude, just watch the movie and draw up your own conclusions. T-326.

Eat Pray Love Part 2: Be Still...

I was driving into work one cold winter morning in 2004, back when I lived in Ohio and dreaded everything about my job and well, my life. I decided that I’d had enough of this torment and figured it was high time that God knew about it (assuming that he wasn’t paying any attention to me or my problems). So I began to pray, starting off with “ok look…”, which is not a good way to begin a conversation with the one you’re trying to reach out to for help. I proceeded to tell him how unfair it was that I was working in this dismal job, barely making ends meet and how this BA degree that I worked so hard for was obviously a waste of time as I was now brain dead. I asked Him, rather, I demanded that He do something fast because I just couldn’t take it anymore. After all, I was a good person, a hard working single mother and it was time to see some pay off for all of my struggles. I arrived at work at 8am, and at 10:30, I was fired for somebody else’s bullshit. Uh yeah, tell me God doesn’t answer prayers, even the ones we pray out of sheer stupidity.


Needless to say, I had some serious issues with God over the years, mainly because I just couldn’t figure out how this all worked. I mean, I wanted to be able to talk to Him, but in my own words and in my own way, and without all of the formality. Trust me, this was not a good look for a preacher’s kid, who grew up in a Baptist church and graduated from a Christian school. Even with all of that religious background, I still had a ton of questions that no one could provide the answers to. So I became confused, frustrated and eventually fed up, and decided that the only way I was ever going to figure any of this out was with good old fashion probing. And that’s exactly what I did. I began looking at the people around me, probing into and researching different cultures and beliefs trying to find any correlation between what others believed, and what I thought to be true. Turns out that if you strip any religion down to its core, the basic principles are all the same; love yourself, treat others good and take care of the Earth. Ok, now that I can work with.

I learned that within each of these cultural beliefs there exists some form of prayer time or meditation; a time to set aside your day to day trials in order to sit and be silent, allowing your spiritual self to recharge. I had the “time away” part down to a science, but it was the sitting still and shutting up part that I was struggling with. All I wanted to do was use that time to vent, to gripe and complain about all that was wrong in my world, or beg and plead for a miracle, instead of releasing those things so that my mind could be free to figure out the answers. So that’s what I do now, I sit in the middle of the floor of my bedroom or turn off the radio while driving to work, and find a happy place. Its sounds childish…as it should; after all, its not suppose to be complicated . I mean, children are happy because they allow their minds to wander off to places that only they can see and dream of. Isn’t that what faith is, keeping your eyes on the prize? Ugh, please excuse the cliche'.

It appears that the character Liz had come to the same realization in the “Pray” segment of the movie, training herself to empty her mind and to focus on nothing more than the elements surrounding her. For me, it was very hard at first, but once I started telling myself that I earned the right to be at peace, it became second nature. Now I take pride in being empty headed LOL. Its amazing the clarity that comes from just being still. I love God, and I love the earth that He created for me to live in. His people, however, continue to annoy the shit out of me but hey, I never said I was perfect. *WoooSaaaaah* Next stop: Love… T- 331

Eat Pray Love Part 1: Mind vs Food...

There aren't too many movies out there in the universe that move me, so when one does come along I consider it my civic duty to share the wealth for those of you out there who may have fallen asleep on the obvious. "Eat, Pray, Love": The three essentials of life right there in the title. Its definitely one of those movies that begs to be experienced, because even I have tried to take control of of each one at some point in my life, and have failed miserably. And so I went, with tissue in one hand, and my diet green tea in the other and most importantly, with an open mind and heart. I walked into that theater expecting no less than to be enlightened, uplifted and completely transformed into the woman that I long to be; but instead, I sat there FURIOUSLY trying to figure out who was following me, and why I never received any royalty checks for my life story, in book form and now on the big screen.


Liz Gilbert is me, I am Liz Gilbert dammit!!! At least, that's what I kept saying to myself as I watched her revisit each of these elements; these things that she (and I) have deprived ourselves of for decades for whatever ridiculous reasons we came up with over the years. While watching her, I too was taken back to the moments where I lost all hope and all control, and when I decided to break away in order to put the pieces back together. I love how Liz was able to embark upon her own discoveries within each element, and put her own spin on each of them without losing any potency. I loved the raw pure emotion and the sheer truth that was shared.


The first truth, eating, is one that I had just made my peace with not two weeks ago. I am one of the many unfortunates who has struggled with, obsessed over and loathed my body for all of my life. And at my heaviest, (a size 18, with heart palpitations, respiratory problems and back pain) I made the decision to do a complete overhaul and became an exercise and food Nazi. Now, 3 years and 58 pounds later, I still look in the mirror and see that really big, out of control woman staring back at me. And so because of that I've been depriving myself of real food, good food "my food", and substituting it with tree bark and air. And for a woman who loves to cook it feels as though I cut off both of my hands.


So I was sitting at my desk at work a couple of weeks ago and I looked at the clock and it said 2:11pm. Now for all of you diet junkies you know that the hours between 2 and 6pm are peak "snacking" hours and are to be avoided like the plague. And I would normally either eat a twig, drink a gallon of water or talk myself down like a crackhead feigning for a fix. But this day....this day I wasn't trying to hear any of it. I didn't want a bag of tasteless chips or popped air. This day, I was HUNGRY!!! So I said "eff it", this is madness! Why am I having this internal conflict over whether or not I should eat something, and not just something, but whatever the fuck I wanted??!! I mean, did I not learn anything over these last 3 years of being a food Nazi? Did I not train myself to do things in moderation, did I not learn about portion control and isn't that what I've been doing all this time???!! Ok, so if I have made these very important lifestyle changes and have continued to to do so all these years, then there's no reason known to man why I should be depriving myself of anything! So I got up, walked downstairs to the vending machine and got me a Snickers bar and yes.....they really do satisfy!!!


So the moral to my story, and to Liz Gilbert's story in the "Eat" segment of the movie, is this: I have absolutely no desire to ever return to that overweight, unhappy woman that existed 3 years ago, but that does not mean that I cannot cook, eat and enjoy the foods that I adore. My obsession with my weight stems from decades of being programmed that men want thin, even brothas who claim to like "thick women" have that expectation of her being fit 'n' thick. But the truth is no matter how much I workout or how much I don't eat, I'll always be a big girl. I mean damn, I'm 5'11! So long as I continue to stay active, take my vitamins, you know, workout on the regular, I'll be just fine. But I'm so over counting calories, cussing out carbs and "just saying no" to food. I'll NEVER be hungry again!!!

Next stop: Pray... T-334

Today's Vintage

As I sit here, preparing to write this next entry, the song "A house is not a home" comes on the radio. See, this is how I know I'm doing the right thing, its so beyond the obvious now. Every day there is some little tiny reminder that where I am in life is only a pit stop and that my heart, my "home", is elsewhere. Ok so I did not plan to start this entry out the way that I did, but it made me exhale in a very soothing way, so its all good :)

So anyway, as I was walking around the supermarket this evening, along the wine and spirits aisle no less, I picked up a bottle of Sterling reserve meritage vintage 2008, and was instantly transported back to the year 2004. I was sitting inside of a very quaint Italian Restaurant in the Short North district of Columbus Ohio. It was a cold night in February, and I was sitting across from a very dark and mysterious poet who knew exactly what to say, and how to say it. But it wasn't the poet that stood out in this memory, but the woman who was sitting at a table across from us. She looked normal enough, and there was nothing flashy or outlandish about her appearance. From the way she was dressed it seemed as though she had come to the restaurant just after work and apparently did so often, as the owner knew and greeted her by name.

I watched her place her order, well, more like the owner ordering for her since he obviously prepared the same thing each time she came in. She then pulled out a bottle of wine from her bag and sat it on the table. The waiter came by and uncorked it for her and proceeded to pour her a glass. She picked up the glass of wine, inspected its flawless color and swirled it around ever so gently to release its allure. I watched her eyes glean with anticipation of inhaling the tempting aromas that awaited her senses. Then she closed her eyes, tilted the glass towards her nose and took in the deepest breath. Just then her cheeks rose into a satisfied smile, as hints of plum, chocolate, blackberries and earth, no doubt danced around her sinuses. She then let out a very soft but pleasurable "aaah".

Now that I was in complete stalker mode, I returned my attention back to the poet and commented on how content she looked. He looked at her, and while doing so said "yeah, loneliness wears the mask of contentment very well." Right then, the complete picture started to fill in, the table set for one, the book that she pulled out to read soon after pulling out the bottle of wine, and even the way that she sipped her wine, as though she wanted desperately for that momentary burst of palatal happiness to never end, but of course the glass would eventually be drained empty. I was entranced by this woman, this stranger who for some reason both intrigued and terrified me for reasons that I would not come to understand until now...

Because now, I'm standing in the middle of a freakin' grocery store, dressed in my 9 to 5 attire, with the ingredients necessary to make my famous flat bread pizza inside my squeaky basket, and a bottle of vintage 2008 meritage in my hands, and wearing the most beautiful mask of contentment every made. I feared that woman sitting at that table by herself, because in the back of my mind I knew I was one sip away from becoming her; and now we share the same glass. Loneliness is a cruel beast. It paints the grand illusion of freedom and unbridled ambition, and limitless options. But in reality its nothing but a cold and narrow road that leads to despair. Its a road that I've grown so tired of being on.

So as I sit here typing away and revealing these tiny little nuggets of truth, I realize more and more how much I miss my family, how much I despise the cold side of my bed, and how I, like that woman in the restaurant, go on day to day wearing this mask and hoping that no one can see just how solo my life really is.

My pizza turned out flawless as always, and I savored each and every sip of wine that crossed my lips. But now, sadly, my glass is empty. T-Minus 337

Carried Over

What a week this has been.So many changes (most of them good), and big decisions were made. But the best part was being able to spend time with my family that was here visiting from the Mid-West. Being able to reconnect with them was like plugging into a light socket. It totally re-energized my spirit and gave me reason to smile again and again. The stories that were told, both old and new, were truly priceless, and to watch the bond of a father and daughter that had been separated for over 11 years seal itself once again was just awe inspiring. I guess the best way to describe this time would be "as it was written", because so many answers were revealed, so many holes filled and all of our lives changed, forever. I love and cherish my family now more than ever, and I regret every moment in the past that I took for granted. Up until today, I honestly never realized the extent of my loneliness until I had to say goodbye to them again.

Now on to business. As I stated, I made some pretty big decisions this week, the first being that I've narrowed my search down to the final three. The first is Seattle, Washington. I was very impressed by the diversity of culture there. Its on the ocean which is a MAJOR plus and the bank that I work for has just expanded to Seattle. Its beautiful, very green with breathtaking landscapes. It has a pretty decent housing market and the school systems aren't bad either. The downside is that it rains.....9 months out of the year. For a Cali girl raised in the sunshine this could prove to be problematic. But I will remain open minded.

The second is Houston Texas. Again, extremely diverse in culture, and a very affordable housing market. Alot of the major fortune 500 companies have their headquarters there and its very big on education. Its close to the Gulf of Mexico and is also very beautiful and lush. I mean come on, Beyonce is from there so it can't be all that bad right??? (that was a joke by the way). Downside(s), it does get hot which I am use to, but along with that heat comes high humidity. Oh, and the biggest downer is because its so close to the gulf, it's very likely that it will be hit by hurricanes. But in all fairness, I live in the land of earthquakes....even though they only last a few seconds (ahem). Again, I will remain open minded.

And last, but certainly not least, Atlanta, Georgia. I must admit that there wasn't much that I didn't like about Atlanta. So much culture, art and history. They also have a music scene that is so diverse!! A lot of big time companies also call Atlanta home and there are a number of excellent schools. The downtown main area is very "people centered", meaning every business, every restaurant, bar and every bookstore is meant to cater to everyone's specific need or desire. And then there's the suburb's surrounding the main city; very beautiful and surprisingly affordable. The only downsides that I could find is that its about a 4 hour drive to the ocean, and the hot/humid thing. Other than that, I really liked what I was able to discover with a mouse.

So there it is, my top three choices!! The best part is that I know someone in each place and they have all agreed to show me a glimpse of their home towns. First stop will be Atlanta, since it is the furthest away from me. I plan to take this trip sometime within the next month or so. I'm getting more and more excited. Again, if anyone reading has any feedback about any of these places or anything else, please feel free to comment. T-341

Occupation: Tree Trimmer

Things are coming along quite nicely I must say. I have kept myself very busy chopping away at this list and making sure that I don't miss any steps along the way. But I'm realizing something very bizarre about me, that it's so much easier for me to point out the things I don't like about a place, than it is for me to point out the things that I do like. I think that stems from a lifetime of self loathing and low expectations of myself (covered that in year one of therapy). I learned that throughout life, a negative seed can grow into a massive tree, with roots that bury themselves deep into your soul. That seed gets all the nourishment it needs from the light of our negative thoughts, and the wet of our tears. And that tree of self doubt becomes our norm, shading us from the light of what really matters. I can honestly say that my tree is gone, but I'm still digging up its roots. I've come a very long way, but there's still more to do.

I'd say that the biggest root left is my inability to connect with my purpose. I'm one of the lucky few in this world who actually know what they are suppose to be doing with their lives. But I have somehow managed to go in every direction known to man, except the one that leads to that purpose. Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that I could never open a school of the arts for inner city youth, and teach them genres of music that they would more than likely never be exposed to. At some point, I actually listened to the nay sayers who insisted that music isn't a grown up job, and that my life should be devoted solely to my children. Somewhere, somehow, I let go of who I know I am, and traded her in for scaled down model that would be best suited for those whom I thought "knew better". But here's the killer, I still feel out of place!!! Nothing, and I mean NOTHING fits. I've tried the "stay at home" thing and God bless those of you who can, but I was ready to jab an ice pick through my right eye out of sheer boredom. And I've been working in the corporate world for over a decade, and I am now truly brain dead. I mean, what have I done? Why have I done this to myself...

Anyone who gets to wake up each and every morning and do what they love is blessed beyond all measure. I would kill to know what that feels like, actually, I think I do know; each time a new melody fills my ears, or my son harmonizes with me, or when I'm standing on a dimly lit stage. When I'm in my element, its as though everything is right in the world and I'm doing my part to make it so. Its like getting an applause from God Himself; I fear nothing in those moments. I'm sure those who are doing what they are meant to do in this life would tell me their own version of this truth . That's how I know what I'm here to do, and I believe with everything in me that its time to take my place and to stop letting myself down. But I just don't know how.

So while searching for my home, I feel its imperative that I also search for a way to fulfill my purpose doing and teaching music. I'm fed up with making the rich richer, and wasting what God gave me by staying mute. Its time to put a stick a dynamite down into my soul and blast away this big ass root for good. This was a good blog.....T-345

The Best Laid Plans....

You know, time has no trouble reminding me of how little control I have over it so I've spent the last couple of days in focus mode, and I've made a few more edits to my list of hopefuls. Lets see, at last count there were six states left on my list: Georgia, Texas, New Mexico, Arizona Oregon and Washington. I mentioned that each of them had something that appealed to me whether it was the climate, the scenery or the economic makeup, and all of them were either on, or near to, a body of water which is a must have. So I started digging deeper into each state and based on what I discovered I eliminated three more from the list.

Funny enough, the three that I eliminated were ones that I've actually been to so I was able to base my decision off of what I experienced, as well as from what I researched. The first to go was New Mexico, while it is very beautiful, steeped in culture and history and has a pretty decent economy, there wasn't anything that stood out to me. While I was there, I felt very relaxed and peaceful, basically I wanted to just lay down and sleep, which is good if I'm on vacation but I know it would age me alot quicker than I'd ever want. Then there was Arizona. Again, very beautiful, I mean you can't beat the Grand Canyon or Lake Havasu, the people are very nice and its another state with a stable economy. But what I didn't like was the distance between cities, which is also one of the many things that I dislike about California. There is no walking distance to anything and you would spend more than half of your day traveling by bus or train trying to get around. Finally, I eliminated Oregon basically for the same reasons that I said no to New Mexico, adding to that list that it rains CONSTANTLY and can get pretty cold in the Winter.

So its down to Georgia, Texas and Washington, and the cities that I will be exploring within these states are Atlanta and Savannah in Georgia, Houston and Dallas in Texas, and Seattle and Spokane in Washington. I will spend the next 3 days going over as much detail as I possibly can via computer, so that I can eliminate one city per state and finally have the list down to the final three. Once I do that, then I will be visiting each place to get a better feel for it. My goal is to make my final decision before the end of the year, so that I can spend the remaining 6 months preparing for the move next July. What a wonderful world this would be if this plan could go on without a hitch and I could just ride off into the sunset bound for my dream life. But this is me we're talking about, the one who tends to do things ass backwards, who trips and falls over her own feet and who ultimately trudges along the road less traveled. But even through all of the madness I still make it to my destinations, a bit stinky, battered and bruised, but I make it. God, help me. T- 349...

Window Pain

So my therapist and I have our quarterly “I’m still ok” chat over the phone the other day, and during the barrage of probing questions that he so eloquently fields out to me, I manage to interject that I’m looking for a permanent home. He paused as usual, no doubt scribbling frantically on that mint green note pad of his, and then said only one word…..”Nice.” Mind you, he didn’t say it in a way that would indicate that he disapproved of my decision, but there wasn’t a “YAY” factor to it either. It was a neutral, unassuming “Nice”, the kind that would no doubt lead to some sort of self discovery or some new road that I’ve yet to take, and that will end up with me being in tears…UGH!!! Understand that this man has the uncanny ability to read my thoughts long before they ever come out of my mouth, and it irritates the shit out of me. So I braced myself for whatever was to come.

He obviously knows my history, knows what I’ve overcome to get to this point and was actually the one responsible for getting me to understand my gypsy lifestyle. So needless to say I trust him whole heartedly, and I know that everything he says to me can and will benefit me in the long run. But the questions that he asked me just threw me for a loop! He wanted to know who my last dinner date was with, who my last phone conversation was with, the last letter or email I received that wasn’t about business, last movie I’d gone to see with someone, who I go to lunch with at work and how do I spend my evenings. HUH??? What does that have to do with me leaving California, hell, what does it have to do with anything at all??? So I answer him truthfully, and he scribbles, and then says: “Just as I feared; you’re no longer in solitude, now you’re just alone.” *queue tears*

He goes on to explain that my choosing to go into solitude was the absolute right thing to do three years ago, that I needed to seclude myself from anything and anyone that would have prevented me from seeing all that I needed to see. But now that I’ve changed all of those things, it’s time to come out of hiding and live again, and more importantly, learn to trust the human race. He told me that he supports my decision to finally find a place to call home, but to make sure I understand that there will always be people around me; that it’s my choice whether or not to trust them enough to invite them into my life. “There’s a ton of ways to define what home is, but each of those definitions will undoubtedly involve a person.” Really dude…..Really???? Just slap me some more please.

I know that at some point, I will have to turn off the mindset of always doing it all, or figuring out everything by myself, but it’s terrifying. It’s the performer in me I suppose; I’m just used to my life being a one woman show that’s written, produced and directed by me, and feeling that there's no one else who finds my life remotely interesting enough to care. That’s not a “woe is me” statement by any means, and it’s certainly not anything foreign. But it is a mindset that admittedly has crippled my relationships, both old and new. Ok so I get it, no matter where I go, I gotta be willing to let people into my life and stop being a loner. I knew that this journey was going to be about more than just changing zip codes, there’s an internal change occurring as well. Thanks for the head talk C, I love and hate you as always :) T-353….

Pause...

Today was one of those rare days that I wish I could freeze time, so that I could relive the moments over and over again. I tapped into my jovial side and allowed reality to have the night off. There were movies, smoothies, pizza and a bottle of Tums for my not so young digestive system...LOL. The boys were wrestling with each other and I fearlessly instigated a tickle fest that would inevitably send my youngest scurrying to the restroom to avoid an "accident". I was reminded of why I am so much in love with my children; and how grateful I am that they breathe life into the deepest parts of my soul, the parts that often lay dormant and untouched. There was so much laughter in the house, so much open dialogue between my boys and I , and it was some the loveliest sounds I've ever heard.

See, this part of "home" I know very well, the part where my boys look to me for everything, and I go to the ends of the earth to provide it for them. The part where I make sure that each day, by Gods grace, I try to give them at least one thing to apply to their own lives; some nugget of truth, a kiss or a hug, or even a swift kick in the butt if the situation calls for it. A place of warmth and refuge, one where we can gather and grow as a family. I know that my heart is home, home to my God and to my children, and those two things alone give me limitless joy and comfort.

So as I continue to search for this new location, it is extremely important for me to stay grounded to the truths that my mother instilled in me; that wherever I lay my head down to rest, to make sure that my heart is there with me. I suppose that is why I've never been afraid to be anywhere, I've never left my heart behind. But there's alot more riding on this particular relocation because I am banking on it being my very last. This will be the place where I finish raising my youngest and begin the second half of my life (the better half). The place where I welcome and spoil my grand babies and finally have those enormous holiday dinners. The place where again I will find myself wishing that I could freeze time, so that I can relive the moments...over and over again. Home is indeed where the heart is, and my heart is truly blessed. T-Minus 356...

3.79 million square miles by mouse

You know, I have to say that I've really enjoyed taking this virtual tour of these United States. I have to give props to the world wide web, I mean once you get through all of the advertisements and other BS, there's an entire atmosphere's worth of information on everything I could ever possibly imagine to know about a place. From a state's color of choice, or local dialects, or phobias and taboos, to their highest and least paid jobs, its all there for me to marvel at. And I cannot begin to tell you how much I've enjoyed learning all of these amazing "little known facts", without ever having to leave my seat. Its been very, very cool :)

Ok, so down to business; in my last post I stated that I eliminated about 2/3 of the country from the running mainly due to unattractive weather conditions (I'm not a fan of extreme cold). So that left the deep South, the Southwest, and the Pacific Northwest. With the exception of the Southwest, the majority of the states within these regions are either on or close to the ocean, which is a huge turn on, as I am a water baby. All of them have actual seasons, or some version them, and they all have amazing landscapes with ever changing terrains and textures. So bottom line, nature reigns supreme in these states which means they would provide me with loads of natural eye candy.

But in the spirit of keeping it real, there are states that I know I can eliminate without hesitation, simply because they don't appeal to me; like the majority of the deep South: Alabama, Tennessee, Kentucky, The Carolina's and Mississippi. Oklahoma and Arkansas are no's for me too as they are breeding grounds for tornadoes, and Florida is out because of a horrible childhood experience that I never quite got over (mosquitoes and I are not friends), and then there's Lousiana, although steeped with history, culture, phenomenal music and FOOD, its plagued with bad luck. Between hurricanes and oil spills, its like a magnet for tough times, and I don't want to leave one version of bad vibes, to go and set up shop in another. So the two left standing in the South are Texas and Georgia.

As for the Southwest, Colorado and Utah are out, although very beautiful, they have pretty harsh winters. And Nevada...really??? Can I see myself living in a place that has played host to some of my guiltiest pleasures.....I'm thinking no LOL. That's the one place that I want to keep sacred :). So that leaves Arizona and New Mexico still in the running in the Southwest. And finally, in the Pacific Northwest we have Alaska, Oregon and Washington. Three of the most beautiful places in the U.S., but one I'm sad to say, would make me feel like I've been exiled (hmmm, I wonder which one that is), which leaves Oregon and Washington still in the batter's box. (Hawaii is...well its freakin HAWAII, I can't even conceive it).

So it's down to the big six: Texas, Georgia, Arizona, New Mexico, Oregon and Washington. WOW!!! I can't believe how small this list has gotten, I am so thrilled right now that its getting harder to sit still. Now it gets really interesting, now I can begin looking at each of these states with childlike eyes, full of wonder and mystery, and use my naivety to probe deeper into each of them. I feel like I've covered so much ground thus far; but I'm certainly no where near the end of this journey. This is just the beginning, and I'm so looking forward to whatever else I find :) T-minus 358...

Galiath, No More...

Ever since I made the decision to embark on this journey, my soul has been lifted. I no longer dread the fall of night. Now, when the sun leaves me I breathe a sigh of sweet release because I know I've done something worthwhile for me, that I've taken one more step towards my home. After being emotionally mute for so long, it's such a rush to actually "feel" again. I wake up each day with a renewed sense of purpose, with a new goal to meet and it feels amazing. I'm anxious, I'm frustrated and overwhelmed...and I'm loving every bit of it!!

In my last post, I shared that I was sitting on the floor marveling at the vastness of this country, and feeling as significant as a a grain of sand. But my Sharpee and I had a job to do so I quickly got over my inferiority complex and started eliminating states. The first to go was all of the Northeast for one simple but very important reason....BURRRRR! After experiencing 9 harsh Winters in Ohio, I can emphatically say that I am SO not a fan of the bitter cold. But I have to admit, the way it looked after a fresh snow was truly breathtaking. Oh well, that's what planes and cameras are for!!

The next to go were the plain states of the Midwest, again, way too cold and now let's throw in a tornado or two for good measure! Okay granted, I live in a state that will someday be an island once the big 12.0 earthquake hits, but I'm used to a little shaking; involuntary house relocation and 20 below zero windchill factors however, are not my idea of easy living, sorry! So now, that only leaves the Pacific Northwest, Southwest, and the Deep Southern states. And just like that, the belly of my search has been gutted...okay that was a gross but you get what I was trying to say. I was able to eliminate 2 thirds of this country without ever having to board a plane, YAY! Now I can see what I need to see. Each of the remaining states meet some of the criteria that I listed earlier, now its just a matter of narrowing the list down to the ones that grab me the most. I'm thrilled...today was indeed a good day :) T-minus 360

50 States And A Sharpee

Remember the scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indiana Jones is holding the Staff of Ra, and the beam of light shoots down through the ruby on top of it revealing the exact location of the Ark of the Covenant? Well, I ain't Indy, I have a black Sharpee pen instead of a staff and my energy saving light bulb beaming down above me is merely casting shadows of my enormous head on the walls. Unfortunately for me, the only way I'm gonna find out where home is, is the old fashion way; the process of elimination.

So lets face it, The United States is pretty large by any standpoint, but when I sat on my bedroom floor and laid out a map of this country, I instantly felt small. I couldn't help but feel insignificant, almost minute, to the point to where I was ready to say "eff this". What do I really know about this country? What, besides things that are common knowledge, can I possibly say about any given state other than the one I'm currently in? I don't know anything, and in truth I don't know what it is I'm suppose to "know". I mean, what am I suppose to be finding out, logistics? Populations? Crime Rates, schools systems, job markets etc? Ok well that's all a matter of a Google fest, but what about the things that Google won't tell me, like what is it that has kept a lady living in the corner house of a certain city for 4 decades. Or what the story is behind a community park that was just built in the main square of another city. Or where is the best place to hear some good spoken word in some other city. You know, the little things that make a city come alive.

This is one of the many questions I'm fielding out to whoever might be reading this. What makes your home town amazing? Where's your favorite place to go watch a sunset, or your favorite music spot, or park, and of course, the best place to eat? I guess I wanna know why you love where you live, and if you don't love it, maybe this will get you thinking about why you're still there. Even "Cali" responses are welcomed (smile). I just want to get a better sense of what it is I'm suppose to be "looking for", and I figure by living vicariously through someone else s nostalgia, it may help me develop more of a sense of what "home" feels like. T-Minus 362 days...

The Epiphany

I’ve spent the better part of my early years on a stage, crooning melodies of love and life to captive audiences who, time after time, would wait in anticipation for me to become the mouth piece for their souls. Whether the moment called for a sultry seductress, a whimsy-eyed romantic, an endorser for God’s grace or a screaming rebel, I would command it effortlessly, convincing you that I am your super lover, your friend, the end to your search. The woman who can do all and be all and still have dinner on the table by five. I would ensnarl your senses, stimulate your wearied mind and heart, and inspire you to dream big, live more, and hurt less. I would entertain you, and then bask in the afterglow of knowing that my title as your night’s muse was well deserved. Then, I’d grab my share of the tips, pack my shit and then move on to the next void.

It was a dream life of doing what I love, living free and rootless; and seeing the entire world from a stage. I learned how to pack light, expect nothing and to be ready to roll at the drop of a dime. All of my relationships back then were pre-filled ones consisting of a group leader, a husband, a band and the road. Nothing else was needed, and frankly, nothing else mattered. But when that lifestyle and those relationships came to an end, I had to create an existence in a place that, up until then, I had only viewed from the stage; real life.

There I was, a single mother with nothing more than a voice and a high school diploma to my name. I never took the time to create a plan B because the “If/Then” scenario seemed pointless to a fearless drifter. I had no physical guidance because I was programmed to just “look up”, and the road would somehow magically reveal itself before me and my life would all of a sudden fall into place, (the end, roll credits). I had no sounding board(s) because while I was off floating everywhere, my close friends had gone on with their own lives, and I never formed any other relationships outside of the protected bubble I was in. So I had no choice but to live like a leaf in the wind, landing in one relationship, one job or one city long enough for the next breeze of uncertainty to come along. And I have lived some version of this life for over 14 years.

It wasn’t until three years ago that I told myself that I’d had enough. I was in yet another failing relationship, working a job that I despised, and living in a place where motivation was all but existent. The breeze of uncertainty was now a damn tornado, and I knew I needed to get away fast. But this time was different, I was ready to find the source of all my failed attempts at life, and change it for good. And that’s exactly what I did. I went into complete seclusion and in three years I, with the help of an amazing therapist and a gym membership, hand sifted through my entire life and cornered the son of a bitch culprit that got me in this mindset in the first place; myself. I cornered me, and told myself the words that I needed to hear more than anything else: “I forgive you.” We’ve been besties ever since :)

So here it is, 2010, and I'm a pillar of strength and dignity (LMAO). I have two sons, one who is now grown, and one who is in grade school. I have a Bachelor’s degree in Sociology and a career in banking that I enjoy. I make decent money, and live in a nice quiet neighborhood. I even do a few singing gigs now and then for sport. The future seems bright and you would think that whole “happily ever after” part would be on the horizon. But it’s not. With all that I have gone through and accomplished over the years, I’m still “rootless”. I have no idea what the concept of “home” is, or what it means to feel or be at home. More than a structure with walls and doors, I’m talking about calling a city and state “my home”. Even though my birth certificate says I’m a Californian, I’ve always felt like an alien here. And I lived in another state for a while, but it never reeled me in. So I’m ready….ready to go home.

And so, I have decided that on July 15, 2011, I will be in a Uhaul and headed down the road to my “home”. The thing is, I have absolutely no clue where that is. So I’ve given myself the daunting, and yet oh so rewarding task of finding this new place, complete with a job and place to live, in exactly 364 days from now. And I’m nervous as shit…

Ok, so I had to kinda make up a list of things that I feel are important to me, a list of "must have's" if you will. and here’s what I came up with. I want to be in a place that has real seasons, not just “hot” then “rainy”, a place that has lots of lush green trees, beautiful changing landscapes and terrains, and fresh air. A place that mirrors who I am, vibrant, bustling and diverse, but also has a great chill out side. One that caters to my interests as well as my guilty pleasures. A place that is rich with history, art and culture, with amazing old buildings that are sprinkled in with spectacular new ones. A place where I can thrive, and give back to the community…”my community.” A place where I can have real friendships and laughter, and where I can establish life lasting relationships with people that I actually want to be around. And, if fate would find me favorable, to finally have love in my life.

So, as I was milling over this plan, it was suggested that I create a blog to document this experience, and share my thoughts and feelings along the way, so that’s why I’m here. I don’t really know if anyone would even find this stuff remotely interesting, or will care less, but it will surely keep me on task, and most definitely be therapeutic. So my plan is to blog as often as possible, always noting how many days I have left, what I’ve accomplished thus far and to field out questions in case someone is actually reading. I’m scared, I’m nervous, and I’m fighting all kinds of obstacles and doubts, but I’m willing do whatever it takes to find my way “home”. Stay tuned…