Love is the one topic that I have the most difficulty talking about; even in therapy I found it hard to deal with. I believe it’s because the mistakes that I’ve made all have faces. One of the drawbacks of having an impeccable memory, is that I could recall with unparalleled precision, the defining moments in every one of my relationships; conversations, subtle glances and even the very moment when like turned into love. Of course, I can also recall the anguish of things falling apart. I’m sure that everyone could do the same thing if the desire to do so was there, but with me it was an everyday thing. I found myself reliving these moments as if I was punishing myself for it not working out. Needless to say, my therapist and I spent quite a few sessions trying to pin point the source of this self inflicted torture, and the end result was quite surprising.
No small violins, please. I've been by myself for a while now, and I had to learn how to go out to places and do things solo without feeling like a total loser. I avoid dinner parties at all cost, I sleep in the middle of my bed and use the entire length of my closet. I try my best to leave no empty spaces, anywhere. Does it suck, well yeah it does, but living everyday dreading to be alone is far worse. So I do what I do to stay sane. And even though I'm literally the last name left unchecked on the "taken" list amongst my friends, I'm ok, really, I'm effin ok!!!
The movie Eat Pray Love validated alot of things for me, the most important being that there's nothing wrong with doing whatever it takes in order to find out who you really are. Eating Praying and Loving are the ingredients that have kept me on this earth these many years, and even though I foolishly tried to deprive myself of each of them at some point, I simply can't live without them. Dude, just watch the movie and draw up your own conclusions. T-326.
I can relate. It is hard to be in a relationship with someone and be lonely at the same time. To relive past mistakes is nothing short of flogging yourself. Each time reopening wounds and creating new ones. I have learned to love, but without all the "infatuation" crap that comes with it. When I met my husband I never had the I hope he calls, I can't wait to see him, butterflies in my stomach feelings. I can live without him, but don't want to. I love him dearly, but with a sound mind. :) I had to learn to live my life on common sense and not emotions, including "in love" emotions. Show them in moderation. Emotions have a time and place to be shown. Let them all come out in your music and your writing and make money for you! In real life hold them close and don't make life's big decisions based on them. It's just like having a drink. A little bit in moderation makes for a fun time, too much all at once leads to headaches and an upset stomach! It may sound heartless and cold, I know, but in the end I love and feel loved with out the crazy roller coster of emotions that usually come with being "in love". Thank you for sharing your thoughts and world. It has sparked self reflection.
ReplyDeleteThank you Susan, I could not have said it any better. Its nice to know that there's others out there who know the difference between love and emotion :)
ReplyDeleteAre you sure we arent siamese twins??
ReplyDeleteLOL! We are indeed kindred spirits Carly, that I know for sure!
ReplyDelete