Things are coming along quite nicely I must say. I have kept myself very busy chopping away at this list and making sure that I don't miss any steps along the way. But I'm realizing something very bizarre about me, that it's so much easier for me to point out the things I don't like about a place, than it is for me to point out the things that I do like. I think that stems from a lifetime of self loathing and low expectations of myself (covered that in year one of therapy). I learned that throughout life, a negative seed can grow into a massive tree, with roots that bury themselves deep into your soul. That seed gets all the nourishment it needs from the light of our negative thoughts, and the wet of our tears. And that tree of self doubt becomes our norm, shading us from the light of what really matters. I can honestly say that my tree is gone, but I'm still digging up its roots. I've come a very long way, but there's still more to do.
I'd say that the biggest root left is my inability to connect with my purpose. I'm one of the lucky few in this world who actually know what they are suppose to be doing with their lives. But I have somehow managed to go in every direction known to man, except the one that leads to that purpose. Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that I could never open a school of the arts for inner city youth, and teach them genres of music that they would more than likely never be exposed to. At some point, I actually listened to the nay sayers who insisted that music isn't a grown up job, and that my life should be devoted solely to my children. Somewhere, somehow, I let go of who I know I am, and traded her in for scaled down model that would be best suited for those whom I thought "knew better". But here's the killer, I still feel out of place!!! Nothing, and I mean NOTHING fits. I've tried the "stay at home" thing and God bless those of you who can, but I was ready to jab an ice pick through my right eye out of sheer boredom. And I've been working in the corporate world for over a decade, and I am now truly brain dead. I mean, what have I done? Why have I done this to myself...
Anyone who gets to wake up each and every morning and do what they love is blessed beyond all measure. I would kill to know what that feels like, actually, I think I do know; each time a new melody fills my ears, or my son harmonizes with me, or when I'm standing on a dimly lit stage. When I'm in my element, its as though everything is right in the world and I'm doing my part to make it so. Its like getting an applause from God Himself; I fear nothing in those moments. I'm sure those who are doing what they are meant to do in this life would tell me their own version of this truth . That's how I know what I'm here to do, and I believe with everything in me that its time to take my place and to stop letting myself down. But I just don't know how.
So while searching for my home, I feel its imperative that I also search for a way to fulfill my purpose doing and teaching music. I'm fed up with making the rich richer, and wasting what God gave me by staying mute. Its time to put a stick a dynamite down into my soul and blast away this big ass root for good. This was a good blog.....T-345
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