I was driving into work one cold winter morning in 2004, back when I lived in Ohio and dreaded everything about my job and well, my life. I decided that I’d had enough of this torment and figured it was high time that God knew about it (assuming that he wasn’t paying any attention to me or my problems). So I began to pray, starting off with “ok look…”, which is not a good way to begin a conversation with the one you’re trying to reach out to for help. I proceeded to tell him how unfair it was that I was working in this dismal job, barely making ends meet and how this BA degree that I worked so hard for was obviously a waste of time as I was now brain dead. I asked Him, rather, I demanded that He do something fast because I just couldn’t take it anymore. After all, I was a good person, a hard working single mother and it was time to see some pay off for all of my struggles. I arrived at work at 8am, and at 10:30, I was fired for somebody else’s bullshit. Uh yeah, tell me God doesn’t answer prayers, even the ones we pray out of sheer stupidity.
Needless to say, I had some serious issues with God over the years, mainly because I just couldn’t figure out how this all worked. I mean, I wanted to be able to talk to Him, but in my own words and in my own way, and without all of the formality. Trust me, this was not a good look for a preacher’s kid, who grew up in a Baptist church and graduated from a Christian school. Even with all of that religious background, I still had a ton of questions that no one could provide the answers to. So I became confused, frustrated and eventually fed up, and decided that the only way I was ever going to figure any of this out was with good old fashion probing. And that’s exactly what I did. I began looking at the people around me, probing into and researching different cultures and beliefs trying to find any correlation between what others believed, and what I thought to be true. Turns out that if you strip any religion down to its core, the basic principles are all the same; love yourself, treat others good and take care of the Earth. Ok, now that I can work with.
I learned that within each of these cultural beliefs there exists some form of prayer time or meditation; a time to set aside your day to day trials in order to sit and be silent, allowing your spiritual self to recharge. I had the “time away” part down to a science, but it was the sitting still and shutting up part that I was struggling with. All I wanted to do was use that time to vent, to gripe and complain about all that was wrong in my world, or beg and plead for a miracle, instead of releasing those things so that my mind could be free to figure out the answers. So that’s what I do now, I sit in the middle of the floor of my bedroom or turn off the radio while driving to work, and find a happy place. Its sounds childish…as it should; after all, its not suppose to be complicated . I mean, children are happy because they allow their minds to wander off to places that only they can see and dream of. Isn’t that what faith is, keeping your eyes on the prize? Ugh, please excuse the cliche'.
It appears that the character Liz had come to the same realization in the “Pray” segment of the movie, training herself to empty her mind and to focus on nothing more than the elements surrounding her. For me, it was very hard at first, but once I started telling myself that I earned the right to be at peace, it became second nature. Now I take pride in being empty headed LOL. Its amazing the clarity that comes from just being still. I love God, and I love the earth that He created for me to live in. His people, however, continue to annoy the shit out of me but hey, I never said I was perfect. *WoooSaaaaah* Next stop: Love… T- 331
No comments:
Post a Comment