Mary

I'm sitting here thinking about when I was in first grade; it was the Friday before Mother's Day and my teacher made us come up with something to make for mom. I sat there in panic mode as my artistic prowess stopped short a block just before ridiculous. But I knew that whatever I came up with had to be no less than fabulous. Then it hit me, what better way to show my love for my most favorite female, than to give her something that came directly from my soul. So I wrote her a song...complete with piano accompaniment. I know, I know, who did I think I was, Mozart? Well in my little world, yes. Seeing as how I was creating songs long before I could even read, I figured it would be easy to knock out a chart topper and make my mamma's day. And I did. The song was called Sun Kiss'd, named after my most favorite oranges, and singing/playing it for her was the brightest day of my six year old life. After I was done with my performance, mamma swooped me up in her arms and thanked me. I then asked her a very poignant question; "mamma, did you know that I could play?" "Yes", she said "I knew long before I heard you, because I asked God to bless your hands the day that you were born."

There's just something about my mother's love that comforts me, even to this day. She's gone from this earth, but her love is still alive and well within me and her prayers over me still hold me safe. My mamma gave so much of herself for her children, as most mothers do, and she never asked for anything in return. I find myself living in her image, trying my best to instill in my own children the wisdom and knowledge that she so graciously gave to me. So when my children were born, I prayed that my oldest would look at whatever thing he wanted to conquer and say "I can"....he taught himself to play both the drums and the accustic guitar. 10 years later my youngest was born and I prayed that he would embrace whatever gift God bestowed on him because I saw that light in his eyes, and knew instantly that he is gonna be special....he sings like and angel, and will no doubt go on to be an amazing artist one day. So I, like my mamma, knew long before I heard them, that my kids would be here with a purpose, because I prayed so.

Take time out to love on mom, this weekend... Hell you should be doing it everyday but life is life. And just know that to each of you who still have your moms here, I truly envy you.

Happy Mother's day to all of the moms out there....and to my mamma, You are the brightest star in the sky lighting my way through life, and I love you for that always.

Little Wing

Wow, has it really been six months??? Time is certainly no joke but I can honestly say that I have been using it wisely. So let's see, according to my last post, I had just started my job with LA County Children's services which I'm still going strong in today. I have a full case load of clients with stories that make my life seem like a show on the Hallmark Channel. These kids are bright, energetic beautiful souls who carry the unfortunate burden of belonging to lousy parents, and its my job to step up and fill in the gaps until the courts say otherwise. Its a jacked up system, certainly not equipped for giving children what they really need; love and stability. But I do what I can, and so far it seems to be working out.

The holidays were great; my sister and her family came to visit and it was such an amazing time of laughter, tears and of course an insane amount of food. Shortly before Christmas, the budding relationship I was in fizzled...that was a bummer. Then 2011 came roaring in and I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach, you know the one telling me that change was yet again on the horizon. I kept thinking with all that had gone on last year, what on earth could possibly be coming, and was I ready for whatever it was? Turns out, that change came in the form of my oldest son moving out of the house and on his own. I'm not going to lie, it devastated me to no end; it was completely unexpected and so random that I didn't have any time to prepare myself.

It felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest, I mean come on, he's my kid no matter how old he gets. And as I stood in the driveway watching him drive away I kept asking myself did I do everything? Did I give him enough instructions on how to live, does he have all of his ducks in a row and will he be able to make it out there? I found myself going into panic mode, cringing at the thought of him heading face first into this brutally cruel world that will no doubt stop at nothing to work against him. And the females.....God the female vultures that are sure to circle around waiting for their chance to dig their claws into his giving heart. UGH!!!

I was a mess during the first couple of weeks, crying for days on end and feeling like I failed him in some way. But with each day I started to think about the things we shared with each other, the countless talks we had where I instilled in him what I know about this life and the do's and don'ts that are most important. So that made me feel a bit more at ease, but I still can't help but to feel like I've missed something. Its funny how as a parent, you can go through life doing things the best way you know how, and yet still find yourself second guessing everything. As a single parent I've had to play the double role of being both mom and dad, and its the dad side of things that I obviously lack experience in. I did what I could, shared with him what I know (the condom talk was especially interesting) and vowed to be there for him until my time here on earth is done. Now all I can do is pray, and watch him take flight.

One kid down....one more to go!! :)

An "S" on my Chest

I cannot believe it has been almost a month since my last post; so much has been going on that it's been hard to find the time to sit and reflect. But I guess that can be viewed as a good thing, right? (That's your queue to agree with me).

Okay, so in my last post I announced that I started a new job, but little did I know that I was now entering into an entirely new phase of my life! Going from dealing with whiny billionaires and their account problems to becoming an advocate for childrens health and well being has been a total 180 degree experience. I'm now going to be making decisions that will forever impact the lives of kids; up to and including the possibility of removing them from their homes and placing them into a system that could potentially harm them even further. So many things have surfaced since I've been in training, even demons from my own childhood that I thought I dealt with have found their way to the surface, causing me to question whether or not I will be able to handle what I will most certainly encounter out in the field. Am I really ready for this? Will I be able to make sound judgments for the sake of these innocent lives, without being biased or jaded? Why God has deemed me worthy is beyond me, but I'm in it now, and there is no way I'm turning back. *deep breath*

I think the moral of this post is accountability and learning how to recognize and understand the things that I can control and removing my hands from the things that I can't, and not allowing myself to feel guilty for the latter of the two. This new job requires me to create plans for children and their families to hopefully put them on the right track to becoming a unit again, but really, it's going to be up to them to follow that plan. Everyone wants to be a superhero, flying in and swooping down to the rescue. But the truth of the matter is there are limits to what we can do; not to mention whether or not those that we are attempting to help really want us to in the first place. So those of us with these enormously huge hearts often times find ourselves bound and tethered to our own good intentions. But what if we took all of the time and energy wasted on life suckers, or dead end jobs, or emotional vampires, or on frivolous BS that makes absolutely no sense, and poured it into our health, our marriages or relationships, or our children; wouldn't we be able to live the lives that we should be living? But rather than use that super power that we ALL posses that could profoundly impact the things in our lives that we can control, we're steady killing ourselves trying to walk through fire walls, read minds and hold the wind in our hands. Really?

Isn't it amazing how just when we think we have it all figured out, another twist or turn comes along that throws you into tilt mode? I had my mind and heart set on cruise control, with map in hand and blinders in place. But what I didn't take into account was that while on this journey I was going to be faced with many MANY different routes that could potentially lead me to an even greater destination. I love kids, and now here it is that I have the chance to do the utmost for them. Its like now, I'm seeing the framework to my home being laid out and taking shape. That "framework" is my purpose. T-278

The Doors...

Its been quite an eventful week. After a short but asinine selection process, LA County has deemed me worthy of filling the position of Social Worker. Needless to say it came as a surprise, even more so to my current job as they had no clue that I was even looking elsewhere for employment. It always amazes me how "the powers that be" tend to think that the chess game they play with people's lives is unbeatable, and that we pawns on the chess board will remain still until they make a move. But one thing that I've always prided myself on is my ability to read the entire board and to anticipate my opponents next move. My strategy doesn't always bode in my favor, I've won many and I've lost even more, but at the end of the day, I walk away knowing that I took a risk; and because of that I can sleep well at night.

In addition to the new job, there was also a potential new/old love interest that has appeared on the horizon. Things started out blissful and fresh as they always do, the whirlwind consumed us both and I had found reason to smile beyond my usual cheesiness. So have you picked up on the use of past tenses yet? If not, then perhaps the next few phrases will prepare you for the inevitable "But" that is most assuredly coming. Things are good, all the right things are being said and done.....all except one. It has come to my attention that "making time" is a foreign concept to the man of the hour, and that other things in his life (a life that is still a bit of a mystery to me) are of more importance than face to face time. And I, being the "no nonsense, zero tolerance for bullshit" woman that I am simply have no desire to plead my case, nor do I have the patience to explain to a grown ass man the importance of making time for the one you claim to be genuinely interested in. I do believe they cover that topic in high school, or at least should...hell my 18 year old even knows this. So, is this a fixable dilemma...yes it is. All I need to do is revisit what I learned in therapy about "communicating the undesirable", and express to him in a non judgmental way exactly what it is I require of him (leaves a bile taste in my mouth just thinking about it). So perhaps I will show some growth and speak up...I'll keep you posted.

In light of all that has been happening here on the Cali side of things, I keep hearing the phrase "doors are opening up" from a few of my friends; one who ventured further to say that the "right" door has now been open and that I should stop looking for anything better. That really stood out to me, and the first thought that came to me after she said it is "why would I stop?" Why on earth would I ever stop searching for anything better, a better job, better health (physical and mental), better education....a better home....a better life? To me, the day you stop searching for better, is the day you stop living and just continue on existing. Life after all, is a process; you're born, you're taught how to survive, you put what you learned to use while learning new things, you make mistakes, you pass on what you learned to new learners and then you die. I know I will leave this earth feeling like there was something that I could have done "better", and that's okay. But what isn't okay is for me to take what's behind these "doors" as my queue to stop searching for more. They are doors that lead to more puzzle pieces; pieces that God Himself has designed just for me. So the search does indeed continue, and as I've said from the beginning, I will remain open to EVERY possibility that presents itself. Its getting very interesting though...T-299

Blind Side...

Things have continued to be full steam ahead with me finding my home; I've been looking at housing costs and the job markets of the three places that I've narrowed my search down to, and have been in the process of setting up a trip to Atlanta before year end. All has been great and I have been impressed with my progress. And then, as I talked about in my previous post, I get the call about working for LA County, which forced me to look at the prospect of possibly staying here in California. In all honesty, that thought never really entered my mind, I mean, considering I've been miserable here for the past 3 years why would I even entertain the thought. But being the carrot chaser that I am, I decided to follow this job lead down the rabbit hole for now, and see what the next turn will be. So that was my only hiccup last week, I took all of those mind numbing psych exams for this new job, and am now awaiting the outcome, and I continued on with my search being no worse for ware..... or so I thought.

A couple days ago I reached out to someone I was seeing in an effort to clear the air of a bad ending. But a conversation that I started with a simple "I'm sorry have a good life" , ended with him saying words that no man has never said to me before; "Don't Go." I sat there on the phone, verbally paralyzed and completely out of my element of control. What did he mean "Don't go"? Was he for real, or was he trying to hurt me? Nevermind that I called him to apologize, after telling him I never wanted to hear his voice again. For an instant, nothing that I had said before made sense. What do I do now? Why was I leaving? Where was I going? He had me twisted, and it wasn't over flowery words or empty promises no, he had me twisted because he's the only man who's ever gone out on a limb by asking me to stay. He told me he wants the chance to really know me and to one day be the man I love. Really California, Really???? UGH!!

Here I am trying to get the Hell up out of here, and fate is throwing curve balls left and right! The two main things that I long for in finding a home; a career with purpose and a love of a lifetime, are now ripe for the taking.....but in THIS freakin' state! See what happens when you seek out change, you find it oftentimes in the most inopportune ways. But being the control maven that I am, I reminded both he and myself that this quest that I'm on is not a phase or an impulse, it is my genuine hearts desire to finally be at peace and to finally put my internal gypsy to rest. And no matter who, what, or where I end up, it will be where I'm meant to be. My mind is all over the place, dazed and confused over all that has happened, but when I set out to do this I promised myself that I would remain open to whatever presents itself. So I guess this is fate's way of calling my bluff. Damn, I seemed to have misplaced my blinders...T-306.

Heavy Weight

To say that this week has been a whirlwind experience would be an understatement. Lots of new developments, all of which have made a profound impact on my already complex existence. So lets get to them!

On Tuesday morning while sitting at my desk sifting through evidence on a fraud case, I received a phone call. Sylvia, from LA County, was calling to offer me a position as a Children's Social Worker (a job that I applied for almost a year and a half ago and had completely forgotten about). As she spoke, I felt bewildered like you do when a phone call wakes you out of a deep sleep. None of the dots were connecting right away because I simply could not remember what it was I had applied for, or why. So being the carrot chaser that I am, I told her "Why yes, I'm still interested. What do I need to do?" And by the end of the conversation, I had an appointment for a fingerprint live scan, along with the daunting task of figuring out the winner between two jobs.

After I hung up, I chuckled to myself as I recalled a recent conversation that I had with God about not feeling like I'm contributing anything to this world. While I enjoy doing fraud (well, not "doing it" but investigating it), lately I've been feeling like I'm not doing anything of real substance. I solve cases and return money back to victims whose accounts had been compromised, but at the end of the day, there's no real reward in that. Its not like I can look these clients in the face and assure them that all is well, shoot most of the time they are ready to cuss me out and blame me for the fraud occurring in the first place. Even though I know my job is important, I don't feel like I'm doing anything that directly impacts a person's life. I'm just another corporate worker doing my eight hours, with no benefits whatsoever, and then going home feeling like I could have done more. So back when I applied for that county position, I thought it would be a good time to explore other careers that would allow me the opportunity to make a difference, in the lives of those who desperately need it the most; children.

I went online and pulled up the LA County jobs website and re-familiarized myself with what I had applied for, then it all came back to me. I recalled it was January of last year, and I was out of work and had applications floating everywhere in the state. I received the notice to test for the Social Worker position, went and stood in line for over an hour just to get in to take the test, and then heard nothing for about a month. Then I got the call to come in for an interview, and then another interview, and then I was placed on this "eligible list", which is a nice way of saying we don't have any openings right now. And so I went on with life. I started working as a temp at the job that I'm currently at, doing fraud investigations which is what I've done for the past 8 years. The temp position turned into what they call "contractor", which means nothing more than being a temp, but with total access to the banks inner workings. Its damn good money, but with no benefits, no vacation and no sick time. Of course, they dangle the "possible permanent position" carrot in front of me to keep me here, but I've been chasing it for almost a year now, and I'm over it. On the flip side, the Social Worker position is full time permanent, with amazing benefits and a retirement package that most would envy, but the starting pay is a considerable drop from what I'm making now. But, I would be doing something that would most definitely be rewarding for both myself and for others in need.

So, I'm in a bit of a pickle; money versus morality, temp versus permanent, the familiar versus something new...ugh I could go on and on. Of course, the question of "if you're planning to move away next year then why should it matter" has been slapping me upside the head as well. But when I decided to take on this quest to find a home, I promised myself that I would remain open to ALL that is presented before me and to not leave a single opportunity unexplored. Boy, talk about practicing what I preach! So my anthem this week has been "you could get with this, or you could get with that", and trying my best to find where "this" is at. The plot thickens... T-313

Cause and Effect...

I have had the privilege of connecting with so many of my family members this week; family by blood and by previous marriage. All of them are amazing and for some reason they all love the hell out of me; so for that I am truly grateful. I've been extremely honored to have maintained a relationship with my step children, and even though the marriage between their father and I ended, my love and concern for them has never wavered.

Watching them grow up from afar has been bittersweet; while I'm proud of how far they've come considering their circumstances, I still cannot help but to feel regret for not being there. As adults, we become so consumed with our own madness, that we don't take into account the effects that it has on our children. What we decide in our lives instantly becomes their reality, and more often than not that reality profoundly impacts their lives in a negative way. I will have to live with the pain of my choices forever, and unfortunately, so will my children. All I can do is ask that they one day forgive, and that they strive to be better parents than their own.

Everyone has their own story about family; some are picture perfect and others are so awful that Steven King would be terrified to write about it. But yet we're here, living and breathing and hopefully more evolved versions of our namesakes. I'm learning with every conversation that I have with my own family, that having them is an essential element for a healthy life. Without family, what do I have to identify with? How would I ever know where my personality comes from, why I'm able to sense when something good or bad is coming, or why people get on my effin nerves. Who else would be able to understand my craziness and not condemn me for it. I get it now, it took moving 3,000 miles away for it to slap me upside the head, but I get it. I need my family, and they need me.

My mother was the greatest woman I have ever known; she always had a way of saying things in the simplest terms, but yet they stuck with you forever. One day while I was crying and sitting at her feet, she took my hands and said; "Our family is like roaches....the world around us can fall apart but we'll still be here." That was her way of telling me that no matter how bad things in my life get, my family will be there to help pick up the pieces. And she was right.

So today, and every day, I celebrate my family. We're an odd bunch, and a mixed bag of crazy, but our bond is cemented in the heavens. T-320