Its been quite an eventful week. After a short but asinine selection process, LA County has deemed me worthy of filling the position of Social Worker. Needless to say it came as a surprise, even more so to my current job as they had no clue that I was even looking elsewhere for employment. It always amazes me how "the powers that be" tend to think that the chess game they play with people's lives is unbeatable, and that we pawns on the chess board will remain still until they make a move. But one thing that I've always prided myself on is my ability to read the entire board and to anticipate my opponents next move. My strategy doesn't always bode in my favor, I've won many and I've lost even more, but at the end of the day, I walk away knowing that I took a risk; and because of that I can sleep well at night.In addition to the new job, there was also a potential new/old love interest that has appeared on the horizon. Things started out blissful and fresh as they always do, the whirlwind consumed us both and I had found reason to smile beyond my usual cheesiness. So have you picked up on the use of past tenses yet? If not, then perhaps the next few phrases will prepare you for the inevitable "But" that is most assuredly coming. Things are good, all the right things are being said and done.....all except one. It has come to my attention that "making time" is a foreign concept to the man of the hour, and that other things in his life (a life that is still a bit of a mystery to me) are of more importance than face to face time. And I, being the "no nonsense, zero tolerance for bullshit" woman that I am simply have no desire to plead my case, nor do I have the patience to explain to a grown ass man the importance of making time for the one you claim to be genuinely interested in. I do believe they cover that topic in high school, or at least should...hell my 18 year old even knows this. So, is this a fixable dilemma...yes it is. All I need to do is revisit what I learned in therapy about "communicating the undesirable", and express to him in a non judgmental way exactly what it is I require of him (leaves a bile taste in my mouth just thinking about it). So perhaps I will show some growth and speak up...I'll keep you posted.
In light of all that has been happening here on the Cali side of things, I keep hearing the phrase "doors are opening up" from a few of my friends; one who ventured further to say that the "right" door has now been open and that I should stop looking for anything better. That really stood out to me, and the first thought that came to me after she said it is "why would I stop?" Why on earth would I ever stop searching for anything better, a better job, better health (physical and mental), better education....a better home....a better life? To me, the day you stop searching for better, is the day you stop living and just continue on existing. Life after all, is a process; you're born, you're taught how to survive, you put what you learned to use while learning new things, you make mistakes, you pass on what you learned to new learners and then you die. I know I will leave this earth feeling like there was something that I could have done "better", and that's okay. But what isn't okay is for me to take what's behind these "doors" as my queue to stop searching for more. They are doors that lead to more puzzle pieces; pieces that God Himself has designed just for me. So the search does indeed continue, and as I've said from the beginning, I will remain open to EVERY possibility that presents itself. Its getting very interesting though...T-299
Things have continued to be full steam ahead with me finding my home; I've been looking at housing costs and the job markets of the three places that I've narrowed my search down to, and have been in the process of setting up a trip to Atlanta before year end. All has been great and I have been impressed with my progress. And then, as I talked about in my previous post, I get the call about working for LA County, which forced me to look at the prospect of possibly staying here in California. In all honesty, that thought never really entered my mind, I mean, considering I've been miserable here for the past 3 years why would I even entertain the thought. But being the carrot chaser that I am, I decided to follow this job lead down the rabbit hole for now, and see what the next turn will be. So that was my only hiccup last week, I took all of those mind numbing psych exams for this new job, and am now awaiting the outcome, and I continued on with my search being no worse for ware..... or so I thought.
A couple days ago I reached out to someone I was seeing in an effort to clear the air of a bad ending. But a conversation that I started with a simple "I'm sorry have a good life" , ended with him saying words that no man has never said to me before; "Don't Go." I sat there on the phone, verbally paralyzed and completely out of my element of control. What did he mean "Don't go"? Was he for real, or was he trying to hurt me? Nevermind that I called him to apologize, after telling him I never wanted to hear his voice again. For an instant, nothing that I had said before made sense. What do I do now? Why was I leaving? Where was I going? He had me twisted, and it wasn't over flowery words or empty promises no, he had me twisted because he's the only man who's ever gone out on a limb by asking me to stay. He told me he wants the chance to really know me and to one day be the man I love. Really California, Really???? UGH!!
Here I am trying to get the Hell up out of here, and fate is throwing curve balls left and right! The two main things that I long for in finding a home; a career with purpose and a love of a lifetime, are now ripe for the taking.....but in THIS freakin' state! See what happens when you seek out change, you find it oftentimes in the most inopportune ways. But being the control maven that I am, I reminded both he and myself that this quest that I'm on is not a phase or an impulse, it is my genuine hearts desire to finally be at peace and to finally put my internal gypsy to rest. And no matter who, what, or where I end up, it will be where I'm meant to be. My mind is all over the place, dazed and confused over all that has happened, but when I set out to do this I promised myself that I would remain open to whatever presents itself. So I guess this is fate's way of calling my bluff. Damn, I seemed to have misplaced my blinders...T-306.
To say that this week has been a whirlwind experience would be an understatement. Lots of new developments, all of which have made a profound impact on my already complex existence. So lets get to them!On Tuesday morning while sitting at my desk sifting through evidence on a fraud case, I received a phone call. Sylvia, from LA County, was calling to offer me a position as a Children's Social Worker (a job that I applied for almost a year and a half ago and had completely forgotten about). As she spoke, I felt bewildered like you do when a phone call wakes you out of a deep sleep. None of the dots were connecting right away because I simply could not remember what it was I had applied for, or why. So being the carrot chaser that I am, I told her "Why yes, I'm still interested. What do I need to do?" And by the end of the conversation, I had an appointment for a fingerprint live scan, along with the daunting task of figuring out the winner between two jobs.After I hung up, I chuckled to myself as I recalled a recent conversation that I had with God about not feeling like I'm contributing anything to this world. While I enjoy doing fraud (well, not "doing it" but investigating it), lately I've been feeling like I'm not doing anything of real substance. I solve cases and return money back to victims whose accounts had been compromised, but at the end of the day, there's no real reward in that. Its not like I can look these clients in the face and assure them that all is well, shoot most of the time they are ready to cuss me out and blame me for the fraud occurring in the first place. Even though I know my job is important, I don't feel like I'm doing anything that directly impacts a person's life. I'm just another corporate worker doing my eight hours, with no benefits whatsoever, and then going home feeling like I could have done more. So back when I applied for that county position, I thought it would be a good time to explore other careers that would allow me the opportunity to make a difference, in the lives of those who desperately need it the most; children.I went online and pulled up the LA County jobs website and re-familiarized myself with what I had applied for, then it all came back to me. I recalled it was January of last year, and I was out of work and had applications floating everywhere in the state. I received the notice to test for the Social Worker position, went and stood in line for over an hour just to get in to take the test, and then heard nothing for about a month. Then I got the call to come in for an interview, and then another interview, and then I was placed on this "eligible list", which is a nice way of saying we don't have any openings right now. And so I went on with life. I started working as a temp at the job that I'm currently at, doing fraud investigations which is what I've done for the past 8 years. The temp position turned into what they call "contractor", which means nothing more than being a temp, but with total access to the banks inner workings. Its damn good money, but with no benefits, no vacation and no sick time. Of course, they dangle the "possible permanent position" carrot in front of me to keep me here, but I've been chasing it for almost a year now, and I'm over it. On the flip side, the Social Worker position is full time permanent, with amazing benefits and a retirement package that most would envy, but the starting pay is a considerable drop from what I'm making now. But, I would be doing something that would most definitely be rewarding for both myself and for others in need.So, I'm in a bit of a pickle; money versus morality, temp versus permanent, the familiar versus something new...ugh I could go on and on. Of course, the question of "if you're planning to move away next year then why should it matter" has been slapping me upside the head as well. But when I decided to take on this quest to find a home, I promised myself that I would remain open to ALL that is presented before me and to not leave a single opportunity unexplored. Boy, talk about practicing what I preach! So my anthem this week has been "you could get with this, or you could get with that", and trying my best to find where "this" is at. The plot thickens... T-313
