Cause and Effect...

I have had the privilege of connecting with so many of my family members this week; family by blood and by previous marriage. All of them are amazing and for some reason they all love the hell out of me; so for that I am truly grateful. I've been extremely honored to have maintained a relationship with my step children, and even though the marriage between their father and I ended, my love and concern for them has never wavered.

Watching them grow up from afar has been bittersweet; while I'm proud of how far they've come considering their circumstances, I still cannot help but to feel regret for not being there. As adults, we become so consumed with our own madness, that we don't take into account the effects that it has on our children. What we decide in our lives instantly becomes their reality, and more often than not that reality profoundly impacts their lives in a negative way. I will have to live with the pain of my choices forever, and unfortunately, so will my children. All I can do is ask that they one day forgive, and that they strive to be better parents than their own.

Everyone has their own story about family; some are picture perfect and others are so awful that Steven King would be terrified to write about it. But yet we're here, living and breathing and hopefully more evolved versions of our namesakes. I'm learning with every conversation that I have with my own family, that having them is an essential element for a healthy life. Without family, what do I have to identify with? How would I ever know where my personality comes from, why I'm able to sense when something good or bad is coming, or why people get on my effin nerves. Who else would be able to understand my craziness and not condemn me for it. I get it now, it took moving 3,000 miles away for it to slap me upside the head, but I get it. I need my family, and they need me.

My mother was the greatest woman I have ever known; she always had a way of saying things in the simplest terms, but yet they stuck with you forever. One day while I was crying and sitting at her feet, she took my hands and said; "Our family is like roaches....the world around us can fall apart but we'll still be here." That was her way of telling me that no matter how bad things in my life get, my family will be there to help pick up the pieces. And she was right.

So today, and every day, I celebrate my family. We're an odd bunch, and a mixed bag of crazy, but our bond is cemented in the heavens. T-320

Four letters

Love is the one topic that I have the most difficulty talking about; even in therapy I found it hard to deal with. I believe it’s because the mistakes that I’ve made all have faces. One of the drawbacks of having an impeccable memory, is that I could recall with unparalleled precision, the defining moments in every one of my relationships; conversations, subtle glances and even the very moment when like turned into love. Of course, I can also recall the anguish of things falling apart. I’m sure that everyone could do the same thing if the desire to do so was there, but with me it was an everyday thing. I found myself reliving these moments as if I was punishing myself for it not working out. Needless to say, my therapist and I spent quite a few sessions trying to pin point the source of this self inflicted torture, and the end result was quite surprising.

You know, I started this post three days ago and I've written at least 6 different edits and ended up deleting every one of them. I tried to write some poetic eloquent truth, steeped with metaphors and epiphanies. Truth is, love absolutely terrifies me, I suck at it and I have no clue what the hell I'm doing. All I know is that it would be great to have some real version of it and not the fucked up make believe crap that I've participated in and settled for over the years. I love really hard and I dig really deep and give of myself freely and completely; and that type of love is just a magnet for heartbreak. It infuriates me to hear "he's out there", like there's some dude wandering through loves parking lot holding a remote in the air and pushing the panic button. That's not reality to me. What is reality, is that I believe I've made my piece with love, and have accepted the distinct possibility that I may go the rest of my life without it.

No small violins, please. I've been by myself for a while now, and I had to learn how to go out to places and do things solo without feeling like a total loser. I avoid dinner parties at all cost, I sleep in the middle of my bed and use the entire length of my closet. I try my best to leave no empty spaces, anywhere. Does it suck, well yeah it does, but living everyday dreading to be alone is far worse. So I do what I do to stay sane. And even though I'm literally the last name left unchecked on the "taken" list amongst my friends, I'm ok, really, I'm effin ok!!!

The movie Eat Pray Love validated alot of things for me, the most important being that there's nothing wrong with doing whatever it takes in order to find out who you really are. Eating Praying and Loving are the ingredients that have kept me on this earth these many years, and even though I foolishly tried to deprive myself of each of them at some point, I simply can't live without them. Dude, just watch the movie and draw up your own conclusions. T-326.

Eat Pray Love Part 2: Be Still...

I was driving into work one cold winter morning in 2004, back when I lived in Ohio and dreaded everything about my job and well, my life. I decided that I’d had enough of this torment and figured it was high time that God knew about it (assuming that he wasn’t paying any attention to me or my problems). So I began to pray, starting off with “ok look…”, which is not a good way to begin a conversation with the one you’re trying to reach out to for help. I proceeded to tell him how unfair it was that I was working in this dismal job, barely making ends meet and how this BA degree that I worked so hard for was obviously a waste of time as I was now brain dead. I asked Him, rather, I demanded that He do something fast because I just couldn’t take it anymore. After all, I was a good person, a hard working single mother and it was time to see some pay off for all of my struggles. I arrived at work at 8am, and at 10:30, I was fired for somebody else’s bullshit. Uh yeah, tell me God doesn’t answer prayers, even the ones we pray out of sheer stupidity.


Needless to say, I had some serious issues with God over the years, mainly because I just couldn’t figure out how this all worked. I mean, I wanted to be able to talk to Him, but in my own words and in my own way, and without all of the formality. Trust me, this was not a good look for a preacher’s kid, who grew up in a Baptist church and graduated from a Christian school. Even with all of that religious background, I still had a ton of questions that no one could provide the answers to. So I became confused, frustrated and eventually fed up, and decided that the only way I was ever going to figure any of this out was with good old fashion probing. And that’s exactly what I did. I began looking at the people around me, probing into and researching different cultures and beliefs trying to find any correlation between what others believed, and what I thought to be true. Turns out that if you strip any religion down to its core, the basic principles are all the same; love yourself, treat others good and take care of the Earth. Ok, now that I can work with.

I learned that within each of these cultural beliefs there exists some form of prayer time or meditation; a time to set aside your day to day trials in order to sit and be silent, allowing your spiritual self to recharge. I had the “time away” part down to a science, but it was the sitting still and shutting up part that I was struggling with. All I wanted to do was use that time to vent, to gripe and complain about all that was wrong in my world, or beg and plead for a miracle, instead of releasing those things so that my mind could be free to figure out the answers. So that’s what I do now, I sit in the middle of the floor of my bedroom or turn off the radio while driving to work, and find a happy place. Its sounds childish…as it should; after all, its not suppose to be complicated . I mean, children are happy because they allow their minds to wander off to places that only they can see and dream of. Isn’t that what faith is, keeping your eyes on the prize? Ugh, please excuse the cliche'.

It appears that the character Liz had come to the same realization in the “Pray” segment of the movie, training herself to empty her mind and to focus on nothing more than the elements surrounding her. For me, it was very hard at first, but once I started telling myself that I earned the right to be at peace, it became second nature. Now I take pride in being empty headed LOL. Its amazing the clarity that comes from just being still. I love God, and I love the earth that He created for me to live in. His people, however, continue to annoy the shit out of me but hey, I never said I was perfect. *WoooSaaaaah* Next stop: Love… T- 331

Eat Pray Love Part 1: Mind vs Food...

There aren't too many movies out there in the universe that move me, so when one does come along I consider it my civic duty to share the wealth for those of you out there who may have fallen asleep on the obvious. "Eat, Pray, Love": The three essentials of life right there in the title. Its definitely one of those movies that begs to be experienced, because even I have tried to take control of of each one at some point in my life, and have failed miserably. And so I went, with tissue in one hand, and my diet green tea in the other and most importantly, with an open mind and heart. I walked into that theater expecting no less than to be enlightened, uplifted and completely transformed into the woman that I long to be; but instead, I sat there FURIOUSLY trying to figure out who was following me, and why I never received any royalty checks for my life story, in book form and now on the big screen.


Liz Gilbert is me, I am Liz Gilbert dammit!!! At least, that's what I kept saying to myself as I watched her revisit each of these elements; these things that she (and I) have deprived ourselves of for decades for whatever ridiculous reasons we came up with over the years. While watching her, I too was taken back to the moments where I lost all hope and all control, and when I decided to break away in order to put the pieces back together. I love how Liz was able to embark upon her own discoveries within each element, and put her own spin on each of them without losing any potency. I loved the raw pure emotion and the sheer truth that was shared.


The first truth, eating, is one that I had just made my peace with not two weeks ago. I am one of the many unfortunates who has struggled with, obsessed over and loathed my body for all of my life. And at my heaviest, (a size 18, with heart palpitations, respiratory problems and back pain) I made the decision to do a complete overhaul and became an exercise and food Nazi. Now, 3 years and 58 pounds later, I still look in the mirror and see that really big, out of control woman staring back at me. And so because of that I've been depriving myself of real food, good food "my food", and substituting it with tree bark and air. And for a woman who loves to cook it feels as though I cut off both of my hands.


So I was sitting at my desk at work a couple of weeks ago and I looked at the clock and it said 2:11pm. Now for all of you diet junkies you know that the hours between 2 and 6pm are peak "snacking" hours and are to be avoided like the plague. And I would normally either eat a twig, drink a gallon of water or talk myself down like a crackhead feigning for a fix. But this day....this day I wasn't trying to hear any of it. I didn't want a bag of tasteless chips or popped air. This day, I was HUNGRY!!! So I said "eff it", this is madness! Why am I having this internal conflict over whether or not I should eat something, and not just something, but whatever the fuck I wanted??!! I mean, did I not learn anything over these last 3 years of being a food Nazi? Did I not train myself to do things in moderation, did I not learn about portion control and isn't that what I've been doing all this time???!! Ok, so if I have made these very important lifestyle changes and have continued to to do so all these years, then there's no reason known to man why I should be depriving myself of anything! So I got up, walked downstairs to the vending machine and got me a Snickers bar and yes.....they really do satisfy!!!


So the moral to my story, and to Liz Gilbert's story in the "Eat" segment of the movie, is this: I have absolutely no desire to ever return to that overweight, unhappy woman that existed 3 years ago, but that does not mean that I cannot cook, eat and enjoy the foods that I adore. My obsession with my weight stems from decades of being programmed that men want thin, even brothas who claim to like "thick women" have that expectation of her being fit 'n' thick. But the truth is no matter how much I workout or how much I don't eat, I'll always be a big girl. I mean damn, I'm 5'11! So long as I continue to stay active, take my vitamins, you know, workout on the regular, I'll be just fine. But I'm so over counting calories, cussing out carbs and "just saying no" to food. I'll NEVER be hungry again!!!

Next stop: Pray... T-334

Today's Vintage

As I sit here, preparing to write this next entry, the song "A house is not a home" comes on the radio. See, this is how I know I'm doing the right thing, its so beyond the obvious now. Every day there is some little tiny reminder that where I am in life is only a pit stop and that my heart, my "home", is elsewhere. Ok so I did not plan to start this entry out the way that I did, but it made me exhale in a very soothing way, so its all good :)

So anyway, as I was walking around the supermarket this evening, along the wine and spirits aisle no less, I picked up a bottle of Sterling reserve meritage vintage 2008, and was instantly transported back to the year 2004. I was sitting inside of a very quaint Italian Restaurant in the Short North district of Columbus Ohio. It was a cold night in February, and I was sitting across from a very dark and mysterious poet who knew exactly what to say, and how to say it. But it wasn't the poet that stood out in this memory, but the woman who was sitting at a table across from us. She looked normal enough, and there was nothing flashy or outlandish about her appearance. From the way she was dressed it seemed as though she had come to the restaurant just after work and apparently did so often, as the owner knew and greeted her by name.

I watched her place her order, well, more like the owner ordering for her since he obviously prepared the same thing each time she came in. She then pulled out a bottle of wine from her bag and sat it on the table. The waiter came by and uncorked it for her and proceeded to pour her a glass. She picked up the glass of wine, inspected its flawless color and swirled it around ever so gently to release its allure. I watched her eyes glean with anticipation of inhaling the tempting aromas that awaited her senses. Then she closed her eyes, tilted the glass towards her nose and took in the deepest breath. Just then her cheeks rose into a satisfied smile, as hints of plum, chocolate, blackberries and earth, no doubt danced around her sinuses. She then let out a very soft but pleasurable "aaah".

Now that I was in complete stalker mode, I returned my attention back to the poet and commented on how content she looked. He looked at her, and while doing so said "yeah, loneliness wears the mask of contentment very well." Right then, the complete picture started to fill in, the table set for one, the book that she pulled out to read soon after pulling out the bottle of wine, and even the way that she sipped her wine, as though she wanted desperately for that momentary burst of palatal happiness to never end, but of course the glass would eventually be drained empty. I was entranced by this woman, this stranger who for some reason both intrigued and terrified me for reasons that I would not come to understand until now...

Because now, I'm standing in the middle of a freakin' grocery store, dressed in my 9 to 5 attire, with the ingredients necessary to make my famous flat bread pizza inside my squeaky basket, and a bottle of vintage 2008 meritage in my hands, and wearing the most beautiful mask of contentment every made. I feared that woman sitting at that table by herself, because in the back of my mind I knew I was one sip away from becoming her; and now we share the same glass. Loneliness is a cruel beast. It paints the grand illusion of freedom and unbridled ambition, and limitless options. But in reality its nothing but a cold and narrow road that leads to despair. Its a road that I've grown so tired of being on.

So as I sit here typing away and revealing these tiny little nuggets of truth, I realize more and more how much I miss my family, how much I despise the cold side of my bed, and how I, like that woman in the restaurant, go on day to day wearing this mask and hoping that no one can see just how solo my life really is.

My pizza turned out flawless as always, and I savored each and every sip of wine that crossed my lips. But now, sadly, my glass is empty. T-Minus 337

Carried Over

What a week this has been.So many changes (most of them good), and big decisions were made. But the best part was being able to spend time with my family that was here visiting from the Mid-West. Being able to reconnect with them was like plugging into a light socket. It totally re-energized my spirit and gave me reason to smile again and again. The stories that were told, both old and new, were truly priceless, and to watch the bond of a father and daughter that had been separated for over 11 years seal itself once again was just awe inspiring. I guess the best way to describe this time would be "as it was written", because so many answers were revealed, so many holes filled and all of our lives changed, forever. I love and cherish my family now more than ever, and I regret every moment in the past that I took for granted. Up until today, I honestly never realized the extent of my loneliness until I had to say goodbye to them again.

Now on to business. As I stated, I made some pretty big decisions this week, the first being that I've narrowed my search down to the final three. The first is Seattle, Washington. I was very impressed by the diversity of culture there. Its on the ocean which is a MAJOR plus and the bank that I work for has just expanded to Seattle. Its beautiful, very green with breathtaking landscapes. It has a pretty decent housing market and the school systems aren't bad either. The downside is that it rains.....9 months out of the year. For a Cali girl raised in the sunshine this could prove to be problematic. But I will remain open minded.

The second is Houston Texas. Again, extremely diverse in culture, and a very affordable housing market. Alot of the major fortune 500 companies have their headquarters there and its very big on education. Its close to the Gulf of Mexico and is also very beautiful and lush. I mean come on, Beyonce is from there so it can't be all that bad right??? (that was a joke by the way). Downside(s), it does get hot which I am use to, but along with that heat comes high humidity. Oh, and the biggest downer is because its so close to the gulf, it's very likely that it will be hit by hurricanes. But in all fairness, I live in the land of earthquakes....even though they only last a few seconds (ahem). Again, I will remain open minded.

And last, but certainly not least, Atlanta, Georgia. I must admit that there wasn't much that I didn't like about Atlanta. So much culture, art and history. They also have a music scene that is so diverse!! A lot of big time companies also call Atlanta home and there are a number of excellent schools. The downtown main area is very "people centered", meaning every business, every restaurant, bar and every bookstore is meant to cater to everyone's specific need or desire. And then there's the suburb's surrounding the main city; very beautiful and surprisingly affordable. The only downsides that I could find is that its about a 4 hour drive to the ocean, and the hot/humid thing. Other than that, I really liked what I was able to discover with a mouse.

So there it is, my top three choices!! The best part is that I know someone in each place and they have all agreed to show me a glimpse of their home towns. First stop will be Atlanta, since it is the furthest away from me. I plan to take this trip sometime within the next month or so. I'm getting more and more excited. Again, if anyone reading has any feedback about any of these places or anything else, please feel free to comment. T-341

Occupation: Tree Trimmer

Things are coming along quite nicely I must say. I have kept myself very busy chopping away at this list and making sure that I don't miss any steps along the way. But I'm realizing something very bizarre about me, that it's so much easier for me to point out the things I don't like about a place, than it is for me to point out the things that I do like. I think that stems from a lifetime of self loathing and low expectations of myself (covered that in year one of therapy). I learned that throughout life, a negative seed can grow into a massive tree, with roots that bury themselves deep into your soul. That seed gets all the nourishment it needs from the light of our negative thoughts, and the wet of our tears. And that tree of self doubt becomes our norm, shading us from the light of what really matters. I can honestly say that my tree is gone, but I'm still digging up its roots. I've come a very long way, but there's still more to do.

I'd say that the biggest root left is my inability to connect with my purpose. I'm one of the lucky few in this world who actually know what they are suppose to be doing with their lives. But I have somehow managed to go in every direction known to man, except the one that leads to that purpose. Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that I could never open a school of the arts for inner city youth, and teach them genres of music that they would more than likely never be exposed to. At some point, I actually listened to the nay sayers who insisted that music isn't a grown up job, and that my life should be devoted solely to my children. Somewhere, somehow, I let go of who I know I am, and traded her in for scaled down model that would be best suited for those whom I thought "knew better". But here's the killer, I still feel out of place!!! Nothing, and I mean NOTHING fits. I've tried the "stay at home" thing and God bless those of you who can, but I was ready to jab an ice pick through my right eye out of sheer boredom. And I've been working in the corporate world for over a decade, and I am now truly brain dead. I mean, what have I done? Why have I done this to myself...

Anyone who gets to wake up each and every morning and do what they love is blessed beyond all measure. I would kill to know what that feels like, actually, I think I do know; each time a new melody fills my ears, or my son harmonizes with me, or when I'm standing on a dimly lit stage. When I'm in my element, its as though everything is right in the world and I'm doing my part to make it so. Its like getting an applause from God Himself; I fear nothing in those moments. I'm sure those who are doing what they are meant to do in this life would tell me their own version of this truth . That's how I know what I'm here to do, and I believe with everything in me that its time to take my place and to stop letting myself down. But I just don't know how.

So while searching for my home, I feel its imperative that I also search for a way to fulfill my purpose doing and teaching music. I'm fed up with making the rich richer, and wasting what God gave me by staying mute. Its time to put a stick a dynamite down into my soul and blast away this big ass root for good. This was a good blog.....T-345