So my therapist and I have our quarterly “I’m still ok” chat over the phone the other day, and during the barrage of probing questions that he so eloquently fields out to me, I manage to interject that I’m looking for a permanent home. He paused as usual, no doubt scribbling frantically on that mint green note pad of his, and then said only one word…..”Nice.” Mind you, he didn’t say it in a way that would indicate that he disapproved of my decision, but there wasn’t a “YAY” factor to it either. It was a neutral, unassuming “Nice”, the kind that would no doubt lead to some sort of self discovery or some new road that I’ve yet to take, and that will end up with me being in tears…UGH!!! Understand that this man has the uncanny ability to read my thoughts long before they ever come out of my mouth, and it irritates the shit out of me. So I braced myself for whatever was to come.
He obviously knows my history, knows what I’ve overcome to get to this point and was actually the one responsible for getting me to understand my gypsy lifestyle. So needless to say I trust him whole heartedly, and I know that everything he says to me can and will benefit me in the long run. But the questions that he asked me just threw me for a loop! He wanted to know who my last dinner date was with, who my last phone conversation was with, the last letter or email I received that wasn’t about business, last movie I’d gone to see with someone, who I go to lunch with at work and how do I spend my evenings. HUH??? What does that have to do with me leaving California, hell, what does it have to do with anything at all??? So I answer him truthfully, and he scribbles, and then says: “Just as I feared; you’re no longer in solitude, now you’re just alone.” *queue tears*
He goes on to explain that my choosing to go into solitude was the absolute right thing to do three years ago, that I needed to seclude myself from anything and anyone that would have prevented me from seeing all that I needed to see. But now that I’ve changed all of those things, it’s time to come out of hiding and live again, and more importantly, learn to trust the human race. He told me that he supports my decision to finally find a place to call home, but to make sure I understand that there will always be people around me; that it’s my choice whether or not to trust them enough to invite them into my life. “There’s a ton of ways to define what home is, but each of those definitions will undoubtedly involve a person.” Really dude…..Really???? Just slap me some more please.
I know that at some point, I will have to turn off the mindset of always doing it all, or figuring out everything by myself, but it’s terrifying. It’s the performer in me I suppose; I’m just used to my life being a one woman show that’s written, produced and directed by me, and feeling that there's no one else who finds my life remotely interesting enough to care. That’s not a “woe is me” statement by any means, and it’s certainly not anything foreign. But it is a mindset that admittedly has crippled my relationships, both old and new. Ok so I get it, no matter where I go, I gotta be willing to let people into my life and stop being a loner. I knew that this journey was going to be about more than just changing zip codes, there’s an internal change occurring as well. Thanks for the head talk C, I love and hate you as always :) T-353….
He obviously knows my history, knows what I’ve overcome to get to this point and was actually the one responsible for getting me to understand my gypsy lifestyle. So needless to say I trust him whole heartedly, and I know that everything he says to me can and will benefit me in the long run. But the questions that he asked me just threw me for a loop! He wanted to know who my last dinner date was with, who my last phone conversation was with, the last letter or email I received that wasn’t about business, last movie I’d gone to see with someone, who I go to lunch with at work and how do I spend my evenings. HUH??? What does that have to do with me leaving California, hell, what does it have to do with anything at all??? So I answer him truthfully, and he scribbles, and then says: “Just as I feared; you’re no longer in solitude, now you’re just alone.” *queue tears*
He goes on to explain that my choosing to go into solitude was the absolute right thing to do three years ago, that I needed to seclude myself from anything and anyone that would have prevented me from seeing all that I needed to see. But now that I’ve changed all of those things, it’s time to come out of hiding and live again, and more importantly, learn to trust the human race. He told me that he supports my decision to finally find a place to call home, but to make sure I understand that there will always be people around me; that it’s my choice whether or not to trust them enough to invite them into my life. “There’s a ton of ways to define what home is, but each of those definitions will undoubtedly involve a person.” Really dude…..Really???? Just slap me some more please.
I know that at some point, I will have to turn off the mindset of always doing it all, or figuring out everything by myself, but it’s terrifying. It’s the performer in me I suppose; I’m just used to my life being a one woman show that’s written, produced and directed by me, and feeling that there's no one else who finds my life remotely interesting enough to care. That’s not a “woe is me” statement by any means, and it’s certainly not anything foreign. But it is a mindset that admittedly has crippled my relationships, both old and new. Ok so I get it, no matter where I go, I gotta be willing to let people into my life and stop being a loner. I knew that this journey was going to be about more than just changing zip codes, there’s an internal change occurring as well. Thanks for the head talk C, I love and hate you as always :) T-353….
I didnt miss a word. I understand. Where are you going from here? JUST a head talk, or got you checking yourself?
ReplyDeleteIts more than a head game with his guy and he knows it. He's been my sounding board for over 3 years so I know when he tells me something that it will no doubt be life changing. I keep myself in check, whether I want to or not. I'm not afraid to grow.
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