The Best Laid Plans....

You know, time has no trouble reminding me of how little control I have over it so I've spent the last couple of days in focus mode, and I've made a few more edits to my list of hopefuls. Lets see, at last count there were six states left on my list: Georgia, Texas, New Mexico, Arizona Oregon and Washington. I mentioned that each of them had something that appealed to me whether it was the climate, the scenery or the economic makeup, and all of them were either on, or near to, a body of water which is a must have. So I started digging deeper into each state and based on what I discovered I eliminated three more from the list.

Funny enough, the three that I eliminated were ones that I've actually been to so I was able to base my decision off of what I experienced, as well as from what I researched. The first to go was New Mexico, while it is very beautiful, steeped in culture and history and has a pretty decent economy, there wasn't anything that stood out to me. While I was there, I felt very relaxed and peaceful, basically I wanted to just lay down and sleep, which is good if I'm on vacation but I know it would age me alot quicker than I'd ever want. Then there was Arizona. Again, very beautiful, I mean you can't beat the Grand Canyon or Lake Havasu, the people are very nice and its another state with a stable economy. But what I didn't like was the distance between cities, which is also one of the many things that I dislike about California. There is no walking distance to anything and you would spend more than half of your day traveling by bus or train trying to get around. Finally, I eliminated Oregon basically for the same reasons that I said no to New Mexico, adding to that list that it rains CONSTANTLY and can get pretty cold in the Winter.

So its down to Georgia, Texas and Washington, and the cities that I will be exploring within these states are Atlanta and Savannah in Georgia, Houston and Dallas in Texas, and Seattle and Spokane in Washington. I will spend the next 3 days going over as much detail as I possibly can via computer, so that I can eliminate one city per state and finally have the list down to the final three. Once I do that, then I will be visiting each place to get a better feel for it. My goal is to make my final decision before the end of the year, so that I can spend the remaining 6 months preparing for the move next July. What a wonderful world this would be if this plan could go on without a hitch and I could just ride off into the sunset bound for my dream life. But this is me we're talking about, the one who tends to do things ass backwards, who trips and falls over her own feet and who ultimately trudges along the road less traveled. But even through all of the madness I still make it to my destinations, a bit stinky, battered and bruised, but I make it. God, help me. T- 349...

Window Pain

So my therapist and I have our quarterly “I’m still ok” chat over the phone the other day, and during the barrage of probing questions that he so eloquently fields out to me, I manage to interject that I’m looking for a permanent home. He paused as usual, no doubt scribbling frantically on that mint green note pad of his, and then said only one word…..”Nice.” Mind you, he didn’t say it in a way that would indicate that he disapproved of my decision, but there wasn’t a “YAY” factor to it either. It was a neutral, unassuming “Nice”, the kind that would no doubt lead to some sort of self discovery or some new road that I’ve yet to take, and that will end up with me being in tears…UGH!!! Understand that this man has the uncanny ability to read my thoughts long before they ever come out of my mouth, and it irritates the shit out of me. So I braced myself for whatever was to come.

He obviously knows my history, knows what I’ve overcome to get to this point and was actually the one responsible for getting me to understand my gypsy lifestyle. So needless to say I trust him whole heartedly, and I know that everything he says to me can and will benefit me in the long run. But the questions that he asked me just threw me for a loop! He wanted to know who my last dinner date was with, who my last phone conversation was with, the last letter or email I received that wasn’t about business, last movie I’d gone to see with someone, who I go to lunch with at work and how do I spend my evenings. HUH??? What does that have to do with me leaving California, hell, what does it have to do with anything at all??? So I answer him truthfully, and he scribbles, and then says: “Just as I feared; you’re no longer in solitude, now you’re just alone.” *queue tears*

He goes on to explain that my choosing to go into solitude was the absolute right thing to do three years ago, that I needed to seclude myself from anything and anyone that would have prevented me from seeing all that I needed to see. But now that I’ve changed all of those things, it’s time to come out of hiding and live again, and more importantly, learn to trust the human race. He told me that he supports my decision to finally find a place to call home, but to make sure I understand that there will always be people around me; that it’s my choice whether or not to trust them enough to invite them into my life. “There’s a ton of ways to define what home is, but each of those definitions will undoubtedly involve a person.” Really dude…..Really???? Just slap me some more please.

I know that at some point, I will have to turn off the mindset of always doing it all, or figuring out everything by myself, but it’s terrifying. It’s the performer in me I suppose; I’m just used to my life being a one woman show that’s written, produced and directed by me, and feeling that there's no one else who finds my life remotely interesting enough to care. That’s not a “woe is me” statement by any means, and it’s certainly not anything foreign. But it is a mindset that admittedly has crippled my relationships, both old and new. Ok so I get it, no matter where I go, I gotta be willing to let people into my life and stop being a loner. I knew that this journey was going to be about more than just changing zip codes, there’s an internal change occurring as well. Thanks for the head talk C, I love and hate you as always :) T-353….

Pause...

Today was one of those rare days that I wish I could freeze time, so that I could relive the moments over and over again. I tapped into my jovial side and allowed reality to have the night off. There were movies, smoothies, pizza and a bottle of Tums for my not so young digestive system...LOL. The boys were wrestling with each other and I fearlessly instigated a tickle fest that would inevitably send my youngest scurrying to the restroom to avoid an "accident". I was reminded of why I am so much in love with my children; and how grateful I am that they breathe life into the deepest parts of my soul, the parts that often lay dormant and untouched. There was so much laughter in the house, so much open dialogue between my boys and I , and it was some the loveliest sounds I've ever heard.

See, this part of "home" I know very well, the part where my boys look to me for everything, and I go to the ends of the earth to provide it for them. The part where I make sure that each day, by Gods grace, I try to give them at least one thing to apply to their own lives; some nugget of truth, a kiss or a hug, or even a swift kick in the butt if the situation calls for it. A place of warmth and refuge, one where we can gather and grow as a family. I know that my heart is home, home to my God and to my children, and those two things alone give me limitless joy and comfort.

So as I continue to search for this new location, it is extremely important for me to stay grounded to the truths that my mother instilled in me; that wherever I lay my head down to rest, to make sure that my heart is there with me. I suppose that is why I've never been afraid to be anywhere, I've never left my heart behind. But there's alot more riding on this particular relocation because I am banking on it being my very last. This will be the place where I finish raising my youngest and begin the second half of my life (the better half). The place where I welcome and spoil my grand babies and finally have those enormous holiday dinners. The place where again I will find myself wishing that I could freeze time, so that I can relive the moments...over and over again. Home is indeed where the heart is, and my heart is truly blessed. T-Minus 356...

3.79 million square miles by mouse

You know, I have to say that I've really enjoyed taking this virtual tour of these United States. I have to give props to the world wide web, I mean once you get through all of the advertisements and other BS, there's an entire atmosphere's worth of information on everything I could ever possibly imagine to know about a place. From a state's color of choice, or local dialects, or phobias and taboos, to their highest and least paid jobs, its all there for me to marvel at. And I cannot begin to tell you how much I've enjoyed learning all of these amazing "little known facts", without ever having to leave my seat. Its been very, very cool :)

Ok, so down to business; in my last post I stated that I eliminated about 2/3 of the country from the running mainly due to unattractive weather conditions (I'm not a fan of extreme cold). So that left the deep South, the Southwest, and the Pacific Northwest. With the exception of the Southwest, the majority of the states within these regions are either on or close to the ocean, which is a huge turn on, as I am a water baby. All of them have actual seasons, or some version them, and they all have amazing landscapes with ever changing terrains and textures. So bottom line, nature reigns supreme in these states which means they would provide me with loads of natural eye candy.

But in the spirit of keeping it real, there are states that I know I can eliminate without hesitation, simply because they don't appeal to me; like the majority of the deep South: Alabama, Tennessee, Kentucky, The Carolina's and Mississippi. Oklahoma and Arkansas are no's for me too as they are breeding grounds for tornadoes, and Florida is out because of a horrible childhood experience that I never quite got over (mosquitoes and I are not friends), and then there's Lousiana, although steeped with history, culture, phenomenal music and FOOD, its plagued with bad luck. Between hurricanes and oil spills, its like a magnet for tough times, and I don't want to leave one version of bad vibes, to go and set up shop in another. So the two left standing in the South are Texas and Georgia.

As for the Southwest, Colorado and Utah are out, although very beautiful, they have pretty harsh winters. And Nevada...really??? Can I see myself living in a place that has played host to some of my guiltiest pleasures.....I'm thinking no LOL. That's the one place that I want to keep sacred :). So that leaves Arizona and New Mexico still in the running in the Southwest. And finally, in the Pacific Northwest we have Alaska, Oregon and Washington. Three of the most beautiful places in the U.S., but one I'm sad to say, would make me feel like I've been exiled (hmmm, I wonder which one that is), which leaves Oregon and Washington still in the batter's box. (Hawaii is...well its freakin HAWAII, I can't even conceive it).

So it's down to the big six: Texas, Georgia, Arizona, New Mexico, Oregon and Washington. WOW!!! I can't believe how small this list has gotten, I am so thrilled right now that its getting harder to sit still. Now it gets really interesting, now I can begin looking at each of these states with childlike eyes, full of wonder and mystery, and use my naivety to probe deeper into each of them. I feel like I've covered so much ground thus far; but I'm certainly no where near the end of this journey. This is just the beginning, and I'm so looking forward to whatever else I find :) T-minus 358...

Galiath, No More...

Ever since I made the decision to embark on this journey, my soul has been lifted. I no longer dread the fall of night. Now, when the sun leaves me I breathe a sigh of sweet release because I know I've done something worthwhile for me, that I've taken one more step towards my home. After being emotionally mute for so long, it's such a rush to actually "feel" again. I wake up each day with a renewed sense of purpose, with a new goal to meet and it feels amazing. I'm anxious, I'm frustrated and overwhelmed...and I'm loving every bit of it!!

In my last post, I shared that I was sitting on the floor marveling at the vastness of this country, and feeling as significant as a a grain of sand. But my Sharpee and I had a job to do so I quickly got over my inferiority complex and started eliminating states. The first to go was all of the Northeast for one simple but very important reason....BURRRRR! After experiencing 9 harsh Winters in Ohio, I can emphatically say that I am SO not a fan of the bitter cold. But I have to admit, the way it looked after a fresh snow was truly breathtaking. Oh well, that's what planes and cameras are for!!

The next to go were the plain states of the Midwest, again, way too cold and now let's throw in a tornado or two for good measure! Okay granted, I live in a state that will someday be an island once the big 12.0 earthquake hits, but I'm used to a little shaking; involuntary house relocation and 20 below zero windchill factors however, are not my idea of easy living, sorry! So now, that only leaves the Pacific Northwest, Southwest, and the Deep Southern states. And just like that, the belly of my search has been gutted...okay that was a gross but you get what I was trying to say. I was able to eliminate 2 thirds of this country without ever having to board a plane, YAY! Now I can see what I need to see. Each of the remaining states meet some of the criteria that I listed earlier, now its just a matter of narrowing the list down to the ones that grab me the most. I'm thrilled...today was indeed a good day :) T-minus 360

50 States And A Sharpee

Remember the scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indiana Jones is holding the Staff of Ra, and the beam of light shoots down through the ruby on top of it revealing the exact location of the Ark of the Covenant? Well, I ain't Indy, I have a black Sharpee pen instead of a staff and my energy saving light bulb beaming down above me is merely casting shadows of my enormous head on the walls. Unfortunately for me, the only way I'm gonna find out where home is, is the old fashion way; the process of elimination.

So lets face it, The United States is pretty large by any standpoint, but when I sat on my bedroom floor and laid out a map of this country, I instantly felt small. I couldn't help but feel insignificant, almost minute, to the point to where I was ready to say "eff this". What do I really know about this country? What, besides things that are common knowledge, can I possibly say about any given state other than the one I'm currently in? I don't know anything, and in truth I don't know what it is I'm suppose to "know". I mean, what am I suppose to be finding out, logistics? Populations? Crime Rates, schools systems, job markets etc? Ok well that's all a matter of a Google fest, but what about the things that Google won't tell me, like what is it that has kept a lady living in the corner house of a certain city for 4 decades. Or what the story is behind a community park that was just built in the main square of another city. Or where is the best place to hear some good spoken word in some other city. You know, the little things that make a city come alive.

This is one of the many questions I'm fielding out to whoever might be reading this. What makes your home town amazing? Where's your favorite place to go watch a sunset, or your favorite music spot, or park, and of course, the best place to eat? I guess I wanna know why you love where you live, and if you don't love it, maybe this will get you thinking about why you're still there. Even "Cali" responses are welcomed (smile). I just want to get a better sense of what it is I'm suppose to be "looking for", and I figure by living vicariously through someone else s nostalgia, it may help me develop more of a sense of what "home" feels like. T-Minus 362 days...

The Epiphany

I’ve spent the better part of my early years on a stage, crooning melodies of love and life to captive audiences who, time after time, would wait in anticipation for me to become the mouth piece for their souls. Whether the moment called for a sultry seductress, a whimsy-eyed romantic, an endorser for God’s grace or a screaming rebel, I would command it effortlessly, convincing you that I am your super lover, your friend, the end to your search. The woman who can do all and be all and still have dinner on the table by five. I would ensnarl your senses, stimulate your wearied mind and heart, and inspire you to dream big, live more, and hurt less. I would entertain you, and then bask in the afterglow of knowing that my title as your night’s muse was well deserved. Then, I’d grab my share of the tips, pack my shit and then move on to the next void.

It was a dream life of doing what I love, living free and rootless; and seeing the entire world from a stage. I learned how to pack light, expect nothing and to be ready to roll at the drop of a dime. All of my relationships back then were pre-filled ones consisting of a group leader, a husband, a band and the road. Nothing else was needed, and frankly, nothing else mattered. But when that lifestyle and those relationships came to an end, I had to create an existence in a place that, up until then, I had only viewed from the stage; real life.

There I was, a single mother with nothing more than a voice and a high school diploma to my name. I never took the time to create a plan B because the “If/Then” scenario seemed pointless to a fearless drifter. I had no physical guidance because I was programmed to just “look up”, and the road would somehow magically reveal itself before me and my life would all of a sudden fall into place, (the end, roll credits). I had no sounding board(s) because while I was off floating everywhere, my close friends had gone on with their own lives, and I never formed any other relationships outside of the protected bubble I was in. So I had no choice but to live like a leaf in the wind, landing in one relationship, one job or one city long enough for the next breeze of uncertainty to come along. And I have lived some version of this life for over 14 years.

It wasn’t until three years ago that I told myself that I’d had enough. I was in yet another failing relationship, working a job that I despised, and living in a place where motivation was all but existent. The breeze of uncertainty was now a damn tornado, and I knew I needed to get away fast. But this time was different, I was ready to find the source of all my failed attempts at life, and change it for good. And that’s exactly what I did. I went into complete seclusion and in three years I, with the help of an amazing therapist and a gym membership, hand sifted through my entire life and cornered the son of a bitch culprit that got me in this mindset in the first place; myself. I cornered me, and told myself the words that I needed to hear more than anything else: “I forgive you.” We’ve been besties ever since :)

So here it is, 2010, and I'm a pillar of strength and dignity (LMAO). I have two sons, one who is now grown, and one who is in grade school. I have a Bachelor’s degree in Sociology and a career in banking that I enjoy. I make decent money, and live in a nice quiet neighborhood. I even do a few singing gigs now and then for sport. The future seems bright and you would think that whole “happily ever after” part would be on the horizon. But it’s not. With all that I have gone through and accomplished over the years, I’m still “rootless”. I have no idea what the concept of “home” is, or what it means to feel or be at home. More than a structure with walls and doors, I’m talking about calling a city and state “my home”. Even though my birth certificate says I’m a Californian, I’ve always felt like an alien here. And I lived in another state for a while, but it never reeled me in. So I’m ready….ready to go home.

And so, I have decided that on July 15, 2011, I will be in a Uhaul and headed down the road to my “home”. The thing is, I have absolutely no clue where that is. So I’ve given myself the daunting, and yet oh so rewarding task of finding this new place, complete with a job and place to live, in exactly 364 days from now. And I’m nervous as shit…

Ok, so I had to kinda make up a list of things that I feel are important to me, a list of "must have's" if you will. and here’s what I came up with. I want to be in a place that has real seasons, not just “hot” then “rainy”, a place that has lots of lush green trees, beautiful changing landscapes and terrains, and fresh air. A place that mirrors who I am, vibrant, bustling and diverse, but also has a great chill out side. One that caters to my interests as well as my guilty pleasures. A place that is rich with history, art and culture, with amazing old buildings that are sprinkled in with spectacular new ones. A place where I can thrive, and give back to the community…”my community.” A place where I can have real friendships and laughter, and where I can establish life lasting relationships with people that I actually want to be around. And, if fate would find me favorable, to finally have love in my life.

So, as I was milling over this plan, it was suggested that I create a blog to document this experience, and share my thoughts and feelings along the way, so that’s why I’m here. I don’t really know if anyone would even find this stuff remotely interesting, or will care less, but it will surely keep me on task, and most definitely be therapeutic. So my plan is to blog as often as possible, always noting how many days I have left, what I’ve accomplished thus far and to field out questions in case someone is actually reading. I’m scared, I’m nervous, and I’m fighting all kinds of obstacles and doubts, but I’m willing do whatever it takes to find my way “home”. Stay tuned…