Wow, has it really been six months??? Time is certainly no joke but I can honestly say that I have been using it wisely. So let's see, according to my last post, I had just started my job with LA County Children's services which I'm still going strong in today. I have a full case load of clients with stories that make my life seem like a show on the Hallmark Channel. These kids are bright, energetic beautiful souls who carry the unfortunate burden of belonging to lousy parents, and its my job to step up and fill in the gaps until the courts say otherwise. Its a jacked up system, certainly not equipped for giving children what they really need; love and stability. But I do what I can, and so far it seems to be working out.
The holidays were great; my sister and her family came to visit and it was such an amazing time of laughter, tears and of course an insane amount of food. Shortly before Christmas, the budding relationship I was in fizzled...that was a bummer. Then 2011 came roaring in and I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach, you know the one telling me that change was yet again on the horizon. I kept thinking with all that had gone on last year, what on earth could possibly be coming, and was I ready for whatever it was? Turns out, that change came in the form of my oldest son moving out of the house and on his own. I'm not going to lie, it devastated me to no end; it was completely unexpected and so random that I didn't have any time to prepare myself.
It felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest, I mean come on, he's my kid no matter how old he gets. And as I stood in the driveway watching him drive away I kept asking myself did I do everything? Did I give him enough instructions on how to live, does he have all of his ducks in a row and will he be able to make it out there? I found myself going into panic mode, cringing at the thought of him heading face first into this brutally cruel world that will no doubt stop at nothing to work against him. And the females.....God the female vultures that are sure to circle around waiting for their chance to dig their claws into his giving heart. UGH!!!
I was a mess during the first couple of weeks, crying for days on end and feeling like I failed him in some way. But with each day I started to think about the things we shared with each other, the countless talks we had where I instilled in him what I know about this life and the do's and don'ts that are most important. So that made me feel a bit more at ease, but I still can't help but to feel like I've missed something. Its funny how as a parent, you can go through life doing things the best way you know how, and yet still find yourself second guessing everything. As a single parent I've had to play the double role of being both mom and dad, and its the dad side of things that I obviously lack experience in. I did what I could, shared with him what I know (the condom talk was especially interesting) and vowed to be there for him until my time here on earth is done. Now all I can do is pray, and watch him take flight.
One kid down....one more to go!! :)
