Mary

I'm sitting here thinking about when I was in first grade; it was the Friday before Mother's Day and my teacher made us come up with something to make for mom. I sat there in panic mode as my artistic prowess stopped short a block just before ridiculous. But I knew that whatever I came up with had to be no less than fabulous. Then it hit me, what better way to show my love for my most favorite female, than to give her something that came directly from my soul. So I wrote her a song...complete with piano accompaniment. I know, I know, who did I think I was, Mozart? Well in my little world, yes. Seeing as how I was creating songs long before I could even read, I figured it would be easy to knock out a chart topper and make my mamma's day. And I did. The song was called Sun Kiss'd, named after my most favorite oranges, and singing/playing it for her was the brightest day of my six year old life. After I was done with my performance, mamma swooped me up in her arms and thanked me. I then asked her a very poignant question; "mamma, did you know that I could play?" "Yes", she said "I knew long before I heard you, because I asked God to bless your hands the day that you were born."

There's just something about my mother's love that comforts me, even to this day. She's gone from this earth, but her love is still alive and well within me and her prayers over me still hold me safe. My mamma gave so much of herself for her children, as most mothers do, and she never asked for anything in return. I find myself living in her image, trying my best to instill in my own children the wisdom and knowledge that she so graciously gave to me. So when my children were born, I prayed that my oldest would look at whatever thing he wanted to conquer and say "I can"....he taught himself to play both the drums and the accustic guitar. 10 years later my youngest was born and I prayed that he would embrace whatever gift God bestowed on him because I saw that light in his eyes, and knew instantly that he is gonna be special....he sings like and angel, and will no doubt go on to be an amazing artist one day. So I, like my mamma, knew long before I heard them, that my kids would be here with a purpose, because I prayed so.

Take time out to love on mom, this weekend... Hell you should be doing it everyday but life is life. And just know that to each of you who still have your moms here, I truly envy you.

Happy Mother's day to all of the moms out there....and to my mamma, You are the brightest star in the sky lighting my way through life, and I love you for that always.

Little Wing

Wow, has it really been six months??? Time is certainly no joke but I can honestly say that I have been using it wisely. So let's see, according to my last post, I had just started my job with LA County Children's services which I'm still going strong in today. I have a full case load of clients with stories that make my life seem like a show on the Hallmark Channel. These kids are bright, energetic beautiful souls who carry the unfortunate burden of belonging to lousy parents, and its my job to step up and fill in the gaps until the courts say otherwise. Its a jacked up system, certainly not equipped for giving children what they really need; love and stability. But I do what I can, and so far it seems to be working out.

The holidays were great; my sister and her family came to visit and it was such an amazing time of laughter, tears and of course an insane amount of food. Shortly before Christmas, the budding relationship I was in fizzled...that was a bummer. Then 2011 came roaring in and I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach, you know the one telling me that change was yet again on the horizon. I kept thinking with all that had gone on last year, what on earth could possibly be coming, and was I ready for whatever it was? Turns out, that change came in the form of my oldest son moving out of the house and on his own. I'm not going to lie, it devastated me to no end; it was completely unexpected and so random that I didn't have any time to prepare myself.

It felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest, I mean come on, he's my kid no matter how old he gets. And as I stood in the driveway watching him drive away I kept asking myself did I do everything? Did I give him enough instructions on how to live, does he have all of his ducks in a row and will he be able to make it out there? I found myself going into panic mode, cringing at the thought of him heading face first into this brutally cruel world that will no doubt stop at nothing to work against him. And the females.....God the female vultures that are sure to circle around waiting for their chance to dig their claws into his giving heart. UGH!!!

I was a mess during the first couple of weeks, crying for days on end and feeling like I failed him in some way. But with each day I started to think about the things we shared with each other, the countless talks we had where I instilled in him what I know about this life and the do's and don'ts that are most important. So that made me feel a bit more at ease, but I still can't help but to feel like I've missed something. Its funny how as a parent, you can go through life doing things the best way you know how, and yet still find yourself second guessing everything. As a single parent I've had to play the double role of being both mom and dad, and its the dad side of things that I obviously lack experience in. I did what I could, shared with him what I know (the condom talk was especially interesting) and vowed to be there for him until my time here on earth is done. Now all I can do is pray, and watch him take flight.

One kid down....one more to go!! :)